Ahhh

Well I've fallen in love, yup I have with... a coyote. The love has become so deep that it willed me to write again. You can check out my new love at The Daily Coyote. So when did I fall in love so deeply and completely that I was moved to write again well today. I was checking out my daily doses of cuteness, my staples are either Cute Overload or I can has cheezburger
or to be honest it's both. So I found my baby love on Cute Overload and well I went to the blog and really haven't quite left. I kept a tab open all day so I could check in on the cuteness when I'm working or puttering about come back to his picture and have my heart become all full and smushy all over again. so you can go and see for yourself why I'm in love and let you have your own experience.

So where have I been? Certainly having experiences and growing but pretty much holding it in for the processing. I had an experience that where I felt wounded and I needed to process it and get to a place where I guess I felt safe enough to start sharing again. Hmmm it's not altogether unusual to think that I would be moved by love to break open my cocoon. I have discovered in order to work and be my best, I not only need to trust myself and prepare and be fully present but I also need to feel respected. Interestingly I had an experience this weekend where I didn't feel very respected and I resorted to old ways of dealing with it just bury it and show a good face. Essentially, hide your emotions and deal, a very human animal way to deal with things as opposed to a human spirit place where I could just remove myself from the situation. I am not suggesting that anyone did anything wrong it was a wonderful learning experience for me. I am so grateful I was able to identify the situation for what it was and most importantly my old habitual way of dealing with it.

It's interesting you can grow and evolve and seemingly move forward but not the way you do when you get the opportunity to see, really see yourself in light of the way you are used to reacting. Does that make any sense? It was such a gift to see where I was and where I am even though I reacted in a typical way, the grand joy of it...is I realized it!! Anyway so back to realizing that respect goes both ways so if I'm not feeling respected or loved where am I not giving respect or love, or where am I not respecting or loving myself, asking for what I want, putting up with less than I deserve? So this past month when I've been awol I've been exploring that and discovering where I stand with these ideas in my work, with myself, my personal life. It's been a great time of trial and error and exploration.

Anyway I am doing some great things and I am excited to tell you all about tomorrow but today I just wanted to jump back in the pool and tomorrow I'll share a backstroke with you. In the meantime be blessed, respected and loved... by you! Ciao.

Rain Sweet Rain!

I love the rain. Not so much in how my feet get wet or what it does to my hair. But I love how it forces you to slow down. It gives me the luxury, the right to sleep in, to revel in having a day off. It gave me the excuse to not feel guilty about not wanting to do anything. To just watch movies and plan for how I want my life to unfold and develop, evolve if you will. I got clear on some things I want and perhaps will make room for in my life and I also was deliciously happy about what is not in my life. I am very content and yet well not completely. But my lack of content gives me an opportunity to create that which I wish for rather than a space for feeling lacking. The rain made me slow down enough today to appreciate it as I sipped a coffee in Starbucks rather than rushing to an appointment as I am usually. The rain came down and I enjoyed it. Tomorrow its auditions again and various other commitments but today was just for me and the sweet rain.

Been a Long Time Baby

Wow I've been tired! Last week was a great week, very busy and wonderful. I worked 4 different acting jobs, all paid encompassing, film, print, TV and a commercial. It was great and I still trained my clients so it was full and exhausting. I've been recuperating this week and by recuperating I mean auditioning like crazy and I now see some my clients as early as 5:30am!! Which means, when you're getting home off a shoot at 1am it's a quick turn around time but I'm happy so really there's no complaints. However that is why you haven't heard from me.

I have met some really awesome people though and of course i manage to find or be attracted to people on set who are having these wonderful metaphysical, broad minded discussions and debates. Very stimulating and of course I'm staying aware of the people who talk the talk but don't walk the walk. It's all a journey but I am aware of those who may be looking to latch onto my bandwagon and suck the life outta me! Speaking of which I did have someone try to do that with a project recently and get my opinions and insights is how I believe they put it and having been down that road, being a muse, teacher and sounding board only to be used, abused and whoops no compensation or contract and I'm out in the cold. The beautiful thing, because I just see these things as lessons is I got the opportunity to see it come at me again so quickly and make the choice that supports me. Not that I won't be a producer in the future, I absolutely will I just have to be aware of people who are users. I have to open my eyes, if someone is using every one else around them then they're probably using me too. Anyway I'm grateful for the lessons at this level because I know where I'm going and the lessons would be harsher as I play with the big fish.

So I'm really happy with where my career is going. I am eager for the next project and I will be in touch more often even if it means a quick little note at 1am after I get home from being on set! Hell yeah I love being tired for these reasons! Ciao.

Switcheroo

I am engaging in what is what I consider to be an event in a New York City apartment. The Summer to Fall/Winter changeover. It is akin to the also monumental Winter to Spring/Summer changeover. This is the event, the former, when you dig out of your closets (if you're lucky enough to have them) and under your bed and anywhere you have craftily stowed away your Fall/Winter gear. Now this is an event because closet space, again if you're blessed enough to have it, is a commodity in New York and I have 3 closets to myself, Hallelujah! I have always joked with my girlfriends and with past boyfriends love is sharing closet space especially in New York. If I am willing to give up space in my closet or dressers for you, however little that is tantamount to a proposal. Ok maybe not but it's up there. And anytime they have left or been kicked out even if I'm mourning a broken heart I AM HAPPY to have my closets back, can I get an Amen! No really I'm being serious and I know the ladies out there hear me.

You'd think this could be a part of an Olympic event or something maybe, the packing category? I don't know but I would excel in that category and bring home the gold. I am an excellent packer in my house and when I travel or organize my clothes because as I have stated space is important! So the event it lasts about a week long if you're busy and have any kind of life. That or I have a lot of clothes. I'm going with the combination of the two. although like any other girl I don't have enough. But also Autumn is my favorite season, I love the colors and tones. I love that you can start wearing jackets and scarves but its not really cold yet, so there are more clothing options. Also because once it's cold I hibernate and you probably won't see me again until spring although I love the whole Winter accessory thing. Yeah I know it sounds silly but I love the matching scarves, hats and gloves. So I'm a little bit of a fashion whore.

Anyway the change over is also a little like a "spring cleaning" for me a reordering of life. It's also coinciding of a real boom of work for me and I am grateful and so excited.I've been sort of in a place where the choices I made in who I trusted have not borne great fruit. I decided to learn my lessons put my faith only in God and in my passions, not people, shoot God can help them himself. Naw I'm kidding but not really. I am feeling like I am emerging from a cocoon and some real life lessons, alas when aren't we if we are determined to grow and evolve. and one thing I know I am is determined and it's all about shedding the old Lise and growing into the new and improved and hopefully wiser but not bitter. No person nor situation will take away my flame! Anyway it just feels like all this hard work is really coming to fruition and I am so blessed. I shot a commercial this weekend, which I am not at liberty to discuss due to confidentiality agreements and I'm shooting a print ad and another commercial spot this week. I've been offered two roles and another project that sort of disappeared has reappeared AND we start filming Insidious this week. That was the project I auditioned for the day before I left for Africa and was offered while I was there. So I am feeling wonderfully over joyed but not overwhelmed and like my dreams are unfolding before my eyes while new ones are forming.

So I gotta get back to replacing my open toes sandals for boots, which I just love, I am such a boot girl. Maybe it has something to do with preferring a more solid, sure footing which is what I feel like is happening in my professional life and that my dear is the real switcheroo. I'll catch you later when I come up for air from under my sweaters and the great joy of working this week! Till then ciao. A bien tot.

Whew!

What a week and more it has been! I was just thinking last week I did two music video's, one on Monday for the singer Esthan Aman, the other for Ron Eliran on Saturday. Both were completely different, one was in a different language and more Glam and the other was well less Glam, much less, in fact I was crawling around in the sand. In the first I was in a club/lounge enjoying myself listening to the band and the other I played a soldier missing her daughter. Radically different roles, settings etc. Then today I had an all day shoot for Manhattan Plaza health club showcasing the various classes, equipment they have. It was a lot of fun, great group of people and we got paid to exercise all day! Heck yeah! Then we start filming next week for "Insidious" I am feeling very blessed.

It's been a great week or so for work. I've also been auditioning a lot so we'll see what happens. I am however exhausted and I think I may sleep tonight...famous last words. But it my intention. Actually it's always my intention and if there were just a switch, not unlike a light switch I would be a happy woman. If I could just shut my brain down. I am going to try to get in bed by like 8 so I can get to sleep at a respectable 11:30. My problem is I get a second not unlike I did when I used to wait tables. My body gears up if I don't go to sleep when I'm tired which today would have been 6pm and I'm raring to go for another 6-8 hours. The other problem and I've actually read about this is I think I can go something like 22-26 hours and then sleep for 10-12 and do it again. Even if i only slept 2 hours at night, if I get an hour nap in it keeps me going for another 10 hours. Blah Blah Anyway I'm going to go see what I can accomplish so I can get to sleep tonight. Operation get Lise to sleep at night is in effect. Ciao.

Roots or Rooted?

An old friend remarked to me that I may constrain myself with the mention of being a born and bred New Yorker. It got me to thinking. I wonder if it constrains me or puts me in a box. I was under the impression that it took me out of one, rather gave me context rather than narrowed my vision or me. Growing up in New York meant to me that I didn't play in a 1/2 acre backyard but rather a very large one-central park and becuase I grew up on the upper west side I also had riverside park. To me it meant I had access to the world's finest art, opera's, plays, musicals all at an age where I didn't know enough to appreciate it but could soak it up. In a way that it became and was, is part of me. I had rather worldly parents my Mother from Haiti and well educated and my Father from Oklahoma also well educated, well traveled and had spent 3 years in the peace corps living in Tanzania.

I felt growing in New York that I was at the edge of something, a springing point, the end of a diving board where I could jump into anywhere in the world. I grew up with every kind of cuisine you could imagine and every color, language and sexual preference was to be seen around me. When I say I'm a born and raised New Yorker I'm saying I grew up in a melting pot and it melted with me and in me. As a little girl I had friends of every creed with parents that spoke a multitude of languages sometimes not including English. A good portion of my friends were bilingual essentially since birth. My first word was not in English. I love that I'm from here because wherever you go int the world they've heard of my town. They know where it is. I also love that although I can "do" a New Yawk accent, I don't speak with one. I attribute that to my parents varied upbringing and that they two both speak at least 2 languages fluently. Not that elsewhere in the world that's not common but in America? Less so .

The comment got me to thinking what did it mean to me that I was born here. I decided it meant to me I am citizen of the world and I have always thought so. Because that's just what I've always thought and what I've been exposed to. Yes because I traveled extensively as a child but also becuase I only had to go down to the bodega where the Arabs where offering to trade me from my father for 13 cows when I was 13. I still don't if they and my father were just teasing me, I think so because they were friends with my family. Or the Koreans who run the other bodega across the street to get an education in diversity. Or listen to the salsa music in the summer coming from the center island in the middle of Broadway. The music, the drums would waft up to my room as I sweat to death because air conditioning was not prevalent then. I guess when I say I'm a born and raised New Yorker I'm talking about all those experiences that you can't describe but are in your bones, in your soul. I would not want to have grown up anywhere else, not for a backyard, not for anything.

Innocence Lost

I had the misfortune this evening of wandering into my living room and seeing one cat sitting on my couch intently looking at the other. Now this in and of itself is not so much a problem but usually when one of them is doing this it means he or she is going to pounce on the other. That is something I really enjoy becuase I find it amusing when they spar. It seems to me they don't take it too seriously, at least later they don't, at the time they seem committed but it seems to end after the "match " is done. Now this time was peculiar because the intent felt different to me and much to my chagrin I was right. As I passed my coffee table I found my boy cat Oliver eating what I discovered to be a mouse. I was able to make this assertion because there was a tail but...not much else.

I was very displeased. For many reasons not the least of which was I had to be the one to get rid of it and unlike waterbug's which I can kill (not without very loud and unceremonious screaming), cover with something and then hope someone comes along to dispose of it for me. I cannot seem to dispose of them, it has something to do with an irrational deadly fear of them. Wait I take that back if you've ever seen one flying you'd not think it irrational. The fear might also have something to do with my mother on my first encounter in my own apartment with them, as I was trying to see if I could get my younger brother to come over and kill it for me, flippantly said " you'd better kill it they like hair"!!! Of which (hair that is) I've got loads and it's of the curly and big kind that screams get lost in me at little to small animals it does or so I imagine. Anyway, I had to take this mouse away from him, it was thankfully on a piece of cardboard so I was able to get it a without dying a little, i.e. touching it in anyway. I didn't cry or scream and for this I want to take note, for this is progress. But conversely, I am oddly calm which leads me to believe I am actually in shock and not yet dealing with it.

So why innocence lost you may ask? It just made me realize that one, there's the possibility of mice in my apartment, not a terribly pleasurable thought but also that this was not the first time. It means the time I found a tail only, a couple of years ago that the mouse probably didn't get away as I had hoped and never returned but rather that he didn't return but rather resided in another in my house i.e. in one of my cats. Yecch! And the time I came home and a very odd looking upchuck I found on my floor (when you have cats you get used to various hairball configurations etc) that I felt looked a little like it once had eyes and various organs, probably did. You see it's a little like what I imagine it feels like to a parent to realize your child who is very much an adult has sex. It's not so much that you're surprised but that you look at them differently. That's how I feel right now, my cat was supposed to be a creature that may play with a random mouse (that again I am unhappy to be reminded I may have more of, visitors I'm not pleased about but residents...that's another story) but not eat them. Perhaps my innocence is lost and not theirs . I can't pretend my cats are Grey furry little sweethearts but rather carnivore's of other furry grey things. Ugh. Things will never be the same, I will never be the same.

Video, Video's and the BBC

What you ask has one to do with the other? Well not very much except me. Over the weekend I was cast in a video for an alternative rock song. I play a soldier who misses her little girl that should be interesting. I'm excited to work with these people. Then today I went for a casting where they were looking for extremely hot sexy women. So as you can imagine the outfit I wore was radically different than the one I wore for the soldier video. It's one of the many things that's interesting about being in this business you can be an attorney one day, a jewel thief the next, the following you're portraying a serious role as a soldier missing her child and the next week wearing an oohh lala outfit and the only requirement is to smile and be hot! Anyway obviously I love it it's a little schizophrenic in that way and that suits me just fine.

So where does the BBC come into play? Well I got an email from a director I worked with telling me my picture is on the BBC in reference to his film "Butterfly Screams" I was in last fall, The link. The only problem with the article is that it's in Urdu which is fine if you speak Urdu but unfortunately I don't! Oh well I'm still really happy the film is getting press and me with it! It was a really great project to work on, the director, Mumtaz Hussain is an incredibly talented artist in many respects. I met some really awesome people. Anyway it's just good to see things moving around. I really like to be busy so I hope to have more to report in the upcoming couple of days. Till then Ciao!

Leave My Penis Alone!

Ok I used that title on purpose for a few reasons. Has anyone else besides me been getting a lot, I mean A LOT email targeted to increase your penis size, finally make your girl happy, add inches to your c*#k and other variations on the theme? It seems that someone or several people are very concerned with my penis size and while I'm thinking Aww, how sweet you care but...I'm a GIRL! A woman actually but either way you figure it there is no need to increase my nonexistent penis. In fact you could say I'm quite satisfied with it. If it is so tiny I can't find it than, well I guess that's a good thing what with me being all set with my vagina and all.

I mean sheesh I am literally getting between 15-20 emails of either increasing my penis size or investing in this stock or another, or herbal viagra or some other pharmaceuticals. I am really tired of it all. I went looking online for ways to stop it but then you have to hook up with some other group and I am wary of that. It was mildly amusing at first but it feels like there has been an influx and it seems specifically to be going thought my website email, alas what can I do? Now that would be something useful to get adverts for in my inbox. Anyway I'm hoping there'll be some mitigation in the swarm of increase your size emails, in the meanwhile I suppose I could give it some thought.

Freedom in Truth?

So I was watching the movie the Freedom writers and I was touched and inspired by the story. I think it's hard not to be. As I was watching, amongst a multitude of feelings and tears not just for the people in the story but for my own life, revelations and struggles. I realized one that I had not felt inspired in a long time and i started to write, to pour out my feelings (not here) and I wrote for a little while and went back to the behind the scenes features. I was mulling over this blog and how it started because I want to write, to express , myself, my views, my heart and my trials. What I realized though is that I have been holding them in for fear of hurting other peoples feelings, when the truth is I'm hurt. The thing I don't want to hurt becuase I've been hurt but I do want to express. I want to stop censoring myself so that other people can feel better when I may be holding back not only my voice but someone else who may recognize themselves in me and realize they have a right to their own.

I want to recount my trials in acting, being a writer and a human being who is consciously struggling to make choices that support what I want my life to be, my art and my heart. What I was realizing though is I haven't been here not for awhile I've been hiding and just struggling to stay afloat. Holding back my emotions and thoughts so that I could, yes process them but also so as not to rock the boat. The boat that I think I was under so how could I rock it? anyway I'm going to try to write more truthfully because quite frankly if I don't then why bother there's enough fluffy crap out there I don't have to add to it. But also I think when you speak the truth it resonates and I want my voice, tune to resonate somewhere even if it's only with me. o here is a pledge to keep revealing myself even if it's scary. Even if it means I have to write through the fear of rejection. I mean hell if I've got an issue with rejection I sure picked some tough careers! Anyway that's what I had to say. Be well.

Jittery Jumping Jacks

I may have to end my love affair with coffee. Yes it's true. I'm not saying I'm going to I just may have to. I had an audition today for a Law Firm Commercial and I had just had a cup of coffee, not a good idea. You're adrenaline is already pumping at one of these things and then to have your heart racing because of a beloved drink-not good. But it went well besides my getting jittery toward the end. So as always, learning. I had another audition later for an acting troupe and it turned out the director was looking at my resume and noted my degree was in Geology and he also has an degree in Geology! How is that for odd?!! I told him if nothing else I have a story. I'm always happy to be out there meeting people, networking etc. I have rehearsal almost every day this week. So yay! I love to work!

My father is leaving for Tanzania tomorrow morning so my life is going to be shifting to a more normal schedule. I'm going to miss him but it'll be good for me to have less distractions. I've had a reduction in my client base recently so I've decided to spend more time writing. So again more of a shift toward the life I wish to be leading. Although the bills must be paid. I'm sure the universe has something good in store for me. I'm ready for the next step. Okay I'm going to sign off. Ciao.

Long Live Vigo!

That was the name of the film I shot today. I played Vanessa Vigo a jewel thief. It was a lot of fun. It was filmed using green screen technology. The basic premise is that I am a jewel thief and my co-star and love interest is a cop and that spells problems. The director was very cool and he said he'll be writing something in the future with me in mind, which is awesome. It was a good day. I also got called in for an audition today and luckily I had time to go before getting to set. Tonight the Emmy's are on, so I always like it when I'm working on the day there is an award show that I intend to be attending some day soon. It was pretty straightforward and I was able to get home and spend a little time with my Dad. I also noticed that on Mandy's.com there is an ad for the web commercial , Get U Noticed I did last year. More exposure! I'm really happy about that. I've got 2 auditions tomorrow and I am pretty exhausted. So I'll check back in tomorrow till then Ciao.

Edging Back In Slllooowwwllyy

Ok I know I went from daily posts to zero (When I was in Tanzania) to once a week. Also I'm trying to stop letting myself be distracted. I am going on auditions and go-see's and I got a film this week. I'm shooting tomorrow actually. I'm pretty excited because I get to play a jewel thief and that is fun! I've been hanging with my Dad and getting things lined up so that my dreams can be realized while I have some security.

I've also been dealing with the aftermath of having this awful woman squat at my house and my cats were emaciated. I mean even my larger cat (I will not call her fat!) lost weight which just makes me realize they were either not being fed or were so disturbed by this woman's energy that they stopped eating. So... I'm pretty bitter about that in addition to her stealing my peace of mind while I was there and hello she didn't pay so that set me back. Thank God for Karma so I have to release it to the Universe. I'm just trying to make sure I learn the lesson so that I don't have to keep going through this type of situation where I get taken advantage of. And for some reason it always involves my apartment, whether it's boyfriends or friends, so there is something for me to learn. I'm done with it! Moving on to the next lesson in store for me!

So I've got rehearsals next week, filming tomorrow and two auditions on Monday and one on Thursday so I'm plodding forward with my dreams and for that I'm grateful. i just want to add in the prosperity and good relationships but I suspect I need to apply better boundaries and learn to spot when people are out to use me. It's so boring already time for a change! Alright I'll be back tomorrow to talk about how shooting went. Ciao.

Sweet!

I had my first rehearsal for Insidious today. It was actually more of a read-through, meet your colleagues start establishing some relationships etc. I think this project is going to be life changing. I can feel it. The energy, the writer/director is awesome the people he surrounds himself with. I am learning. I think I have a gifts, talents what have you. I am kind, generous person but I keep drawing to me people who seem to use me, my generosity, kindness. I'm not sure what the lesson is for me but I am discovering it. I am ready to learn this lesson so I can move on. I mean why do I draw people like that to me? Why would I draw that subleter to me? Squatter really because subleter suggests she gave money to me! Ha! God I just have to remind myself that what goes around comes around. Anyway, I want to surround myself with amazing creative people who respect me and my work, as I respect them. I had such a great experience today, we read through the scene and did improvisation. It was so delicious, it's the stuff that feeds my soul. I was just thinking that what is important with this work outside of the obvious love and passion, is humility and appreciation. But true humility and the willingness to be taught and share the spotlight. Maybe I'm full of s**t but it's what I'm feeling at the moment.

I have to get back into the rhythm of writing everyday. I am just getting back into the swing of things this week. People are just coming back from August and Labor day vacations. Things have really just felt surreal. I've come back and I feel like I'm ready for August in the city! But hello I had August in Africa! I can't completely describe what it feels like to be in the city in August but I'll give you my rendition. If it's not blisteringly hot and humid, August is kind of nice in the city. Anyone who can get away does so the city just feels quiet. I just go to the museums and walk through the park and write. My business is usually pretty slow and I just roll with it. I like that feeling. When September rolls around the vibe just changes, I guess I kind of have the school mentality. I still think in semesters, of course I trained at Columbia University for years so my life did revolve around semesters up until very recently. I only left about4 months ago. So I guess that feels odd as well, not having the feeling that "school" is about to start up again.

So I am settling into the groove that I wish for my life to have going to rehearsal, talking to producers, other directors and lining up projects, writing, working out. Speaking of working out I got my ass kicked in a boxing class yesterday. I started to see spots and I almost passed out. So I had to leave the class which was no fun but instead of feeling like a big loser. I am now taking a boxing class everyday or kick boxing, it's partly research for my character and just good exercise. I felt a new resolve after that class and I took an intro to boxing class today and tomorrow it's gonna be kick boxing. Anyway life is sweet and I am writing a few articles regarding my trip so I'll share them later. I'll see you tomorrow. Ciao.

I'm Back Baby!!

Whew! I am back from traveling to Africa for 24 days! It was wonderful, enlightening, beautiful, exciting etc etc. I'm just now getting settled from jet lag but really I've been more messed up from the Malarone. It's got to be the anti-malaria pills than the jet lag because I've been away for a month in a foreign country (in Italy) and never felt quite like this. I was dizziness and slightly nauseous up until today yummy huh? I actually stopped taking the pill becuase i just couldn't take it anymore. I would bend down to get something and whoosh I would feel totally unsteady or just walking around. It's like perpetually being on a boat. I feel very out of practice in detailing my life, I mean it's been a month!! I figure I will give my take on my trip over the course of...my life! I mean how do you sum up this life changing trip in one blog?

I do have great news on the acting front. I actually was offered a role in the Romantic Troubadour Entertainment's next film "Insidious". I had auditioned on wed right before my trip and was told by the director I would definitely be called back for a second audition and I found out two weeks later when I was able to get to the internet, there's not a big internet thing happening out tin the middle of the Serengeti, that I was offered the role the very next day!! How exciting is that!!??? Also I had to turn down a role in the horror movie I had auditioned for the last week in July because the production dates conflicted with my trip. But the director told me to call him when I got back. Also the TV show "Tempting Joanna" is going to continue production and tale it in another direction or at least make sure all the production is done before shopping it which I am happy about. I received a phone call yesterday to do work for Good Day New York but it conflicted with our first read through of the script for Insidious so I couldn't do it but it felt good to be called. I know good things are coming.

Ok I just wanted to stop in, I'll be back later to talk about my nightmare sublet/squatter situation that really affected my piece of mind on this trip. Till then Ciao and it good to be back!

3 days and counting!

Have I mentioned that I love my life?I was offered a part in the film I auditioned for last week in Long Island. It was a different part then the two I had read for. I would love to do it but I am awaiting word on their production dates as I am going to be in Africa for the currently proposed dates, but I am hopeful. Wow and Hello! I am going to Afrika!!Safari Afrika ya!! So narrowing everything down, getting someone to watch my cats and various other things one must do before leaving on such a big trip. I am very much hoping to have work to come back to which would/will be so glorious. I am so excited right now, I'm practically bursting out of my skin!

I'm going to spend some time with best friend and force him to help me pack. Then it's up tomorrow at 5:30am, my favorite!! I will check in later.

Musings and Revelations

Ah I have slept in 2 days in a row! Deliciouso! I do love my sleep I just wish I could get it by going to sleep earlier but I got some so... no complaints! My best friend from high school is in town which is wonderful. I have very high expectations of what I expect in a friendship, because of what i give and deserve. And when I am around, or in touch with the people who have proven themselves to be steadfast and trustworthy friends, I know why I expect a lot. I have amazing friends who give a lot of themselves, and did I mention trustworthy? God I cannot explain how much that means to me. I really appreciate my time and I won't spend it with just anyone and there are few people for whom will I drop everything for but for those I will, they are well worth it. I mistake some people for good friends and well that always unfortunate, but you learn.

People you can trust your ideas with, your heart, that don't take who you are for granted. The people I call my closest friends I can not talk to them for months but when I do no time has passed, just events. there are truly generous of spirit and heart, but in the truest sense not because they're looking for something in return. I guess I am more keenly aware of this because my best friend is in town. But I will say this it is important to give people a chance, even if they, mess up, sometimes it's the messing up that awakens one to the value of the friendship.

I am puttering about as I am wont to do. I'm packing and putting things in a pile. I am mentally preparing myself for this trip. I'm also preparing for a very important audition. It's occupying a great deal of my mind and my thoughts. I keep trying on these characters and what motivates them. And GOD it's so fun. I truly love this work. I mean in my heart and deep down into my soul and sheesh. It's just joyous. I was watching Stomp the Yard, wow the techniques and the work they put into this movie. I was really impressed. I have found much in my life comes down to discipline. I have great respect for discipline and commitment. In work, in relationships, in life. Discipline and commitment are the foundations, oh yeah and being impeccable with your word. But simply my view is, if you're not impeccable in with word, there is no foundation for commitment or discipline. And that my dear is that. I have a great respect for people who are firm in these things. I am impressed by it and moved by integrity. Which for me are all really intertwined, your integrity makes you impeccable with your word, and commitment and discipline are the tools you use, the manifestations of your integrity. If you don't have integrity in your personal life, than you probably don't in your work life. The two are not separate , in fact nothing in this life is, separate that is.

Hmmm. I guess both my rants are connected, as I'm looking over them. My close friends are the people who have a lot of integrity in the way they live their lives but also in how they treat me. I respect that and because I respect them I treat them the same. I give my all in friendships, in relationships and in work, which I don't hold separate from my life. My art is my life as is everything else, all just expressions of who I am and what I wish to see and be and be apart of. I'm just excited about my life and all I'm learning, about my trip. And I'm real appreciative not just to have the opportunity to learn but to have people to love and be loved by as I walk through this delicious adventure, journey called life.

What?!!?

So I'm training my client this evening and I decide to look at my flight itinerary for my trip next week and I discover that I am in fact leaving the U.S. on August 2nd and arriving in Dar Es Salaam on August 3rd. Now this came as a shock to me because for some reason i have been under the impression that I was leaving the 3rd. So in addition to feeling that perhaps my thoughts of myself as being quite bright were maybe a little overshot but also I have lost an entire day! I have been planning on training people on Thursday and doing and last minute stuff, going to a birthday party wed evening. I mean I have lost an entire day! Oh well, on the bright side I'm really glad I looked and caught that today as opposed to, like say Thursday!?!!

So as I grieve for my lost day, I might as well grieve for my lost sleep. I'm not sure where I have put it and I desperately miss it. I am operating on approximately 4 whole hours, 2 of which occurred between the hours of 2 and 4 this afternoon. Not 2 solid hours mind you, but 2 nonetheless. Another client of mine today, after the one where I discovered my trip departure faux pas (whom by the way told me it was one of the most incoherent flight itinerary she's ever seen, even if it was an attempt to make me feel better I'll take it) said maybe I need a break. The lack of sleep is well a fair indicator. But tell me this, who's gonna catch up on sleep, when there is a country to explore??! I am not planning on sleeping a whole bunch on my trip but perhaps I'll sleep better. I am, truly, tired of it, the insomnia that is, and yes pun intended. Even as I mourn my lack of sleep, I am so loving my life, I can't even find the strength to complain, nor reason to.

I mean I have so many opportunities occurring for me right now, that in and of itself is delicious. I am claiming my life as a writer and an artist. I am about to embark on a trip of a lifetime. I am constantly learning and discovering new things about myself. Breaking patterns and dissolving limiting beliefs opening myself up to new challenges. seeing good and bad in things around me and finding forgiveness and again the lessons?!?!? I mean really this is the stuff of life. I started out my day on set of educational industrial for ANDA. It was a lot of fun and a short day. I mean hell yeah. Even though I'm tired as all get out I made to the gym and rode the spin bike for 30 minutes. I have finally given up on chastising myself for not enjoying running. I am not a fan of running. I am in awe of people who do it and maybe out in the mountains on a dirt road I'd be there but on a treadmill no thank you. And truthfully I highly doubt even then I'll be a fan, but you know as they say, never say never. However, my knees are just not thrilled about it and I doubt they'll change their mind but we'll see.
I totally forgot my best friend is coming to town! Wow I am tired, so on that note I am going to watch The Fountain which so far seems rather promising. I mean a love story and time travel?...heck you got me. I will give you a report tomorrow. Ciao.

Sidewalks of New York

I believe that was the title of a movie. OK I have a pet peeve I need to air here. I am sure it's not particular to New York but I know it happens here all the time. Here it is, do not speed past me to get in front of me and then slow down! What the %$8#@ is that?!? And the flip side, pretend you're aware that you're not the only person on the planet and let me get by. Just shift to the side it's not that hard people, it's called awareness. I don't want to be so up on you that I can count your neck hair. I really don't and I'm not trying to be rude but I am trying to get somewhere and if it's your day off or you're strolling and stopping to smell the roses, hey that's cool too. But don't force me to do so with you, just move to the side let me by. I never mind it if I'm having a slow day (when does that happen?) and I'm strolling, to just shift my body to let a person get on with their journey to their destination. I am aware that some of my frustration is that I live in midtown and there are a lot of tourists. However, this does not give you the license to act like the only person or people on the sidewalk. In fact some of the same rules one would apply to driving in your respective hometowns apply here but on the sidewalks.

While we're on a this subject here's a topic that relates. What's the thought process behind stopping at the bottom of the stairs or the escalator? I'm just curious. Or the top of the stairs for that matter? Let me understand this you're getting off the escalator for example and you're not sure what your next step is going to be or where you're going. And apparently you've decided that the best recourse to discovering this, is to stop at the bottom or top of the stairs/escalator, you name it, right in front of it because....? Because you're the only person on it?The only person in the universe? I just can't get my head around it and it irks me to no end. Just move to the freaking side! Oh my God, it's not that hard people, just move to the side! It's called awareness, manners, a brain, whatever you want to call it just do it. Get out the way. You're pissing me off and I'm seriously wondering when Darwin is going to kick in with this business. I mean really.

So that's just my feelings about it. The title sidewalks of New York could really lead to so many topics but alas this was the one I felt the need to exorcise. All that being said, I'm out. Ciao.

Flowing days

I'm just eking out the rest of my day. I am exhausted. I can't go to sleep before 3am which is just ridiculous and I'm tired of it, Pun intended!! I know some it has to do with general excitement with all the wonderful things going on in my life, one part things hanging over my head that I need (bad word) to do and another part, I'm just a night owl. I mean I always have been as little girl I was staying up reading until 2 am by the sliver of light by my door, hello glasses. What can you do? I did it to myself. But I've been trying to look at the insomnia thing by asking myself what it costs me. What am I less likely to do because I'm tired? What do I get less enjoyment out of because my brain is operating at a slower capacity? they say that getting less than 4 hours of sleep is tantamount to being drunk, well I don't drink but sometimes my word retrieval is less than extraordinary. C'est la vie. So it costs me plans sometimes, and maybe a workout or two and definitely... this is big... I get to chastise myself. Aha that's it, everything is going really well and I am sabotaging my full experience of the joy because I'm so tired I'm not fully present. Booya, that is an epiphany! Alright well now I can do something about it from the perspective of knowing why. I will not chastise myself so I get not payoff and well I'll figure the rest out but that really was a grand slam.

So it turns out they are going to go ahead with the production dates that conflict with my trip but I still believe you never know. Until camera's rolling anything can happen and even after that. So I am just happy about the people I met and all the creation and momentum that went into the last week. Great news on another front though, I just booked an educational industrial for Anda this Friday. I'm psyched. I don't know the particulars yet but I do know it's a cafe scene and I'm a professional type, well alright then. You want it, you got it. I got tons of business attire which I find amusing because I so am not the office type but I do love a good suit. So i await the particulars and I celebrate the work I get and don't get.

Oh yeah I went to Long Island today for an audition for a horror Film. How fun would that be? I so do not watch horror films but I would love to be in one. The reason I don't watch horror films is simply I am a scaredy cat, that and my imagination is just fine on it's own. I do not need help in that department whatsoever. I am still traumatized by Nightmare on Elm street, forget Carrie, The Shining or The Exorcist. I just can't go there. Even some psychological thrillers are too much for me. I personally can't take too much violence but mostly it's the supernatural Amityville horror stuff and you got me screaming Uncle. On the other hand I would LOVE to do a film like Grindhouse! I haven't seen it yet but that machine gun leg Rose McGowan had?!! Hello!!? That's just hot and looks like a load of fun and awesome challenge. I dunno but of course I would just love to work with Tarentino and Rodriguez. Anyway it would be great to branch out and do a horror film. We'll see what happens either way I had a great day and I am gonna kick this sleep issues derriere! Ciao.

Degrees of Separation

So it turns out the "Only in America" project I was going on several callbacks for is filming when I'm going to be in Africa. I am disappointed because it seems like it could have been fun. The casting director was pretty sad because she told me I was her strongest candidate. Awesome! It's funny because I am sad I couldn't do it but ultimately the experience of auditioning that many times is so wonderful. I am holding out to see, you never know what can happen. Maybe they'll change the dates, I know whatever is supposed to happen is what will. Either way, I absolutely loved the casting director. A totally cool lady, just someone I could see chilling with. She was very excited for me about my trip and was teaching me a Swahili greeting when we got clear on the dates and the conflicts. It turns out she learned or studied Swahili at Columbia. I trained at Columbia for several years and i mentioned that to her. At which point she mentioned that she knew someone who used to train at Columbia and he was now married to a girl she was very good friends with in College. The person turned out to be my brother's best friend! Someone who I've known since he was 12 and basically consider a brother. Our families have celebrated together at Christmas on several occasions.

What I find so interesting about this is here we are talking on the phone, I've come in for several callbacks 3 to be exact, but with 2 of those days being doubles. All this while and we didn't know that we were separated by one person. But it was just good energy and vibes. I just find it so intriguing. This happens all the time. It's just a small 6 billion person world and I love that. So anyway I have to go become one with a cone of Ice Cream..YEAH! I have an audition out on Long Island! I know but I'm going to use it as an opportunity to write a fitness blog I've been delinquent on. But all things in their time, all things in their time. Okay tomorrow I gotta be up at 5:30am Blech! But I am very blessed to have such a flexible job so, so it goes. Ciao.

Goodness Gracious!

So I'm getting ready for a banner day tomorrow. The trinity of an audition, a callback and a go-see. I am psyched but it does take some planning. How can you dress for 3 separate and different looks without trucking a big bag all day and on top of that gym clothes. So I am puttering about my house, writing, watching TV (looking for my commercial), getting my clothes together, hair etc. Composing my new Fit Chic blog, that I'm remiss on getting back. I'm planning my meals, what I'm gonna do at the gym tomorrow and what have you but I'm mostly I'm going over these roles I received sides for. I'm sort of doing all these things but as each of these women. It's really fun. I love trying on a new pair of shoes so to speak. That is what drew me to acting the first place. I was really shy and still am for the most part. You have to look beneath the veneer of social creature I have donned and is of course one of my sides. I almost wrote one of my personalities but people usually get scared by that. And the personality of mine that is very conservative said "Don't write that people will think you're crazy". Of course Katerina thinks I should say whatever pops in my head. Whoops, did I let one out?

Of course as usual I am amusing myself. And anyone really close to me knows I'm also not joking. I think we all have many facets to our personalties and it's best to embrace them. Even the dark side, because as you know "What you resist, persists". I had a marvelous day. I trained my clients today and I found myself drawn to church (Times Square Church". I hadn't been in about a month, although I'm always listening to spiritual podcasts be them Christian in nature, Gnostic (which is more truly Christian than most realize), New Age or whatever. But I was really moved to go and I was trying to figure out when and which service to go to, because I had to get to the gym (I had already used up my two "rest" days) and various other things. So I was greatly moved to go the 3pm service. The whole time I'm figuring I'll just go to the worship part and then go to the gym. So I get there and I'm singing and it's fabulous. Later when the preaching is about to start, I'm lamenting that I'm 5 people into the row, I'm not really going to get up and get out so I bargain with myself that I'll wait until they finish showing the video.

Well, guess what the video was about? The mission to Burundi that I ultimately did not go on but my that contemplating spurred a deeper connection with my Father and my upcoming trip to Tanzania! So I'm just floored, I'm essentially looking at the land I will be in in 13 days. i was so moved and I was just sitting there so excited with tears in my eyes. Not just for the excitement but just for the land, the people, the continent, the beauty. So that was wonderful and after the video there were just various people coming up and talking about the trip. There was also singing in the native Kurundi. IT was fantastic!! So I didn't have to sit through a sermon, which by the way I usually love, they have great Pastors but I just wasn't in the mood. It was essentially ordered up for me the perfect experience. If I wasn't already so excited, there it was for me my trip ahead. So I am really filled with joy about the trip, not the mosquitoes I will encounter but rather everything else. I'm also very concerned about the coffee situation as in will I be able to have some and with what water will they brew it? Because I am not going to Africa and sitting around sick if you get me. But I will not put too much attention on any of that. I'm going to see my Father and my sister and brother that I've never met 5 and 8 respectively!!

so I will continue doing my puttering about and getting ready for a really lovely day tomorrow. I have to get my Visa and malaria pill description. Damn I hate taking pills but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just love that I had such a lovely day because I listened to that still voice inside me. How glorious is that? Oh I got this wonderful quote today from one of the many motivational, inspirational emails I get daily and I will leave you with that. Ciao.

"I am who I choose to be. I always have been what I chose - though not always what I pleased."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Boom shaka laka boom

I am freaking going crazy with joy!! I am getting message from friends and family about a commercial I did a few months back. Apparently it is now airing and I am so happy because that's exposure!! Also I had a callback yesterday and a double callback today. Ok if I don't keep it together every sentence is going to have an exclamation point at the end of it. I also have an audition on Monday, as well as a callback and a go-see! I was telling one of my clients all this and my voice was like 3 octaves higher than normal and I was practically out of breath. All this because I'm so elated and you can't hear my voice but I have what has been called a Cassandra Wilson voice ( I am definitely very flattered when I hear that). I definitely have a lower register, so for me to be 3 octaves higher is a big deal. But wait there's more..the woman I did a short film with/for a couple of weeks ago asked me to be in her new film. Do you see how every sentence could potentially have an exclamation point at the end of it? I was so happy. She is so amazing to work with, she just has great energy, a wonderful artist. I am feeling so blessed by all the wonderful things happening I could spontaneously ignite.

So all these wonderful things are happening and I am so grateful for them. I feel like all these shifts are happening in my life. One shift, or revelation I had I have to share. It was a big deal for me and a huge turning point. I will not get into the particulars becuase ultimately that is not what matters its the act I took and the choice I made. I had an opportunity to extend myself for someone or choose myself and my piece of mind. I am a caretaker by nature, I have put people up in my house for extended (I mean extended!) periods of time, I give of my time and money etc food definitely. And Lord knows I have supported more than one boyfriend in my lifetime! None of that is wrong or bad, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or anyone thinks you somehow owe them. I love that aspect of myself and would not change that. But this time I became keenly aware of what I really needed and wanted AND how much I was willingly to give without feeling resentful. So I decided to choose myself and I politely declined. This was so huge for me I can't begin to tell you! It was such a shift for me to realize I could choose myself. Also if anyone got angry because they're used to me being another way well that would be good for me to know.

I recently watched a movie called Defending your Life, if you have not seen it I think it's worthwhile to do so. I love Albert Brooks, I think he is brilliant as a writer, actor, what have you and he's funny. I have so much respect for writer/actors/directors etc. Also Meryl Streep is in it and she is just magnificent to watch, she is pure magic. Anyway something struck me that was said in the movie. Albert Brooks character was told that he was stingy with some people in his life and he said who? And he was answered well you were stingy with yourself. This struck me s clearly I heard it so loudly. Now I am not saying don't be giving to people or anything like that. It is so important to be of service to the people in your life or to the community etc. But if you don't give to yourself first, you can't give from a loving place of I am strong and full.

The flip side of giving is receiving and both are so important. Both to and from yourself and to and from others. Today I watched someone who was complaining about how everything was going wrong in their life, and how this and that was bad and the world is ending, no one is nice and life sucks and job and blah blah. I was struggling to keep the energy from being sucked out of my body. But then, and this was so eye-opening for me, I watched this same person get offered a coffee 4 times and turn it down 4 times. She then proceeded to go buy her own coffee and the order was messed up and she complained about it, but when we coaxed her to have them change it said nah it's okay but continued to complain! I was floored, honestly, floored. I was so grateful to be fully present for that because how many times have I done that or some version of that? Not so much in a long time because I am really aware of my speech and I am constantly learning to be more conscious etc. But of course I slip sometimes and it was extraordinary to watch someone creating this reality of doom and gloom. But mostly I was keenly aware of this person not accepting what the universe was trying to give her. I know I have been guilty of that.

In truth giving and receiving is are the same in the universe. But if you only receive i.e. take, that's not cool and if you only give you are depriving someone of the joy of giving to you. The thing is and this is the amazing thing I learned recently when I chose me, you also have to give to yourself! So I am grateful to have had this amazing lesson played out right in front of me and to be aware of it and not join in on the world is ending band wagon. I mean you know we're all human and we have bitching sessions from time to time, and hopefully they become rarer and rarer. But we really don't help each other when we join in and help each other further create that reality. So I am going to go bed and see if I can catch my commercial on TV! Great things are on the horizon and I am exhilarated.

Life is Delicious!

I am having a delicious day. Not without it's setbacks and minor trials but delicious nonetheless. I had a very rare day off and I am trying to somehow slowly get back into what could be called a normal sleep pattern. My insomnia is off the charts these days with Tuesday being no exception I was able to boast 3 whole hours, 2 of which occurred in the middle of the day. Even though exhausted I could not go to sleep tuesday evening until 3:30am, but I did mange to eke out 6 hours. I am not sure exactly what is keeping me up, I don't mean the obvious i.e. things to do, but rather is there something I'm stressed about-yes- rent or something else? I think I know what it is and will tie it into the post title. Something very wonderful is happening and I can feel it. It's a little like being a little kid on Christmas and barely being able to go to sleep because you just can't wait for it to be morning. Yet you know if you don't go to sleep it'll feel like forever until morning comes. So ultimately you go to sleep because if you do morning will come faster.

I have had a delicious week and it is only the middle! Okay what is making it so delicious? What is in the air that is keeping me awake at night?!!? I honestly don't know but things are shifting in my life and I have just been having faith. I had a great audition/interview yesterday and today. I met an amazing casting director through the interview yesterday and an amazing director/writer/actor today. I just love being around creative people. So today I have a wonderful meeting with this director, he's speaking my language, I feel comfortable even though I was 15 minutes late. Which, by the way, is a no-no and also not my style. I felt comfortable for two reasons one the vibe in the room was awesome and you could just relax into it. But also I was praying the whole time up to it. I was trying to be calm and assume everything happens the way its supposed to etc etc.

It was interesting because this is the second audition I've had in two days that were downtown near the World Trade Center. Now I guess I may have been more freaked out if I knew I had left late and/or not been in the right frame of mind. But the other thing may be, it's hard to be down at that site or around it and not realize whatever you think is important at this moment, whatever you're fretting about is probably not what you would want your last thoughts to be. In the grand scheme of things it's not the, God I have paused for 10 minutes not wanting to say, it's not the end of the world. Because, well, I think you know why. Being down there you get a perspective on your life and get really grateful to be alive. Whenever I go downtown I give myself ample time because I am useless when I get to the name streets. I have no idea what or where I am going and, I deeply want one of those car GPS systems attached to me. I am not kidding, I don't want just a hand held GPS, I want something that talks to me and tells me what direction to go and whether I am going in the wrong direction. I grew up on the upper west side and I need a grid, people, I need a grid! I first not only managed to go past my stop and which of course meant I had to go right back up. But then I went the wrong direction and around the site which meant I had to retrace my steps because, there is no way to go through, obviously.

I didn't really put it together until much later and it dawned on me that I feel like this to some degree whenever I am downtown. I just feel kind of lost. I grew up with the Towers and I don't know where I am downtown without the them. I could always figure out where I was in relation to the Towers. You're either east or west of them or north or south of them. I had a similiar sensation when I was on the ferry to Staten island a couple of years back. I was looking back at the city as we moved away from it I was mildly hyperventilating and having separation anxiety because, well I was going to Staten Island and that in and of itself is a reason to feel fear. But as I was looking at the city, I felt like it didn't look like my city. I felt a pang and a loss for the landscape I had known all my life. It is always a revelation to realize how much I'm still affected even in the simplest of ways.

It ties into my day in that I try to always be aware of what I have to be grateful for. So I meet this wonderful director who was gracious about my tardiness and meanwhile it's so humid my hair is expanding by the millisecond. As my Mother would put it, when it's trying to take over Manhattan. In truth whether I get to be a part of the project or not, when you meet great people who are doing the kind of work you want to do, that is the universe saying to you you're on the right track. That, my friend, is delicious!! So I'm on my way back uptown and the train is taking forever, as I said and just illustrated this day was not without it's trials, I feel moved to write the director a thank you email, which I do not always do. So later in the midst of writing the email, the casting director/producer of the TV show I interviewed for yesterday calls me and asks me to go in tomorrow and Friday to test with other people!! Holla!! So I'm floating on cloud nine, mind you I am just grateful for the chance to see these people and to be called back etc. That's how you know you're in the right profession or place, the joy to just be able to have the opportunity. So, on top of that,I go to the gym for a gym date with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever and and when I come back I got an email from the director today saying he'll be in touch with me next week! If today was an apple or a peach I would just bite into it, seriously I would. I'm just riding the wave and honestly I am elated. Now I would just like to add rested to the dossier. Ciao.

Choices

As I sat down to write this blog I was talking to myself, shockingly, here's where we all pretend to be surprised. Yeah, yeah and here's where I say- don't pretend like you don't. It's just the degree to which we talk to ourselves that differentiates our levels of crazy. There's mildly crazy, some commentary, simply a few words here or there, reminding yourself to pick up toilet paper (why is that one so hard to remember?!? honestly though its annoying, can I get a witness?) or asking yourself where you placed your keys. To full blown crazy i.e. you're having a full on conversation at the grocery store but no one else but me is near you and I'm knee deep in my own conversation, but you're distracting me. Okay maybe my conversation was internal and hers not so much. But we all talk to ourselves. So I was saying to myself how happy I am to have choices. Even choices as to what title to give my blog, or what tea I'd like to have or will I watch Army wives or Entourage first after my late night shower ( I wake up too early in the morning to even consider it any other time).

We have so many choices and it's such a wonderful thing because our choices don't stop at what program or tea to watch. Rather they continue and I'd really like to think begin with, what kind of life would I like to have? What kind of person do I want to be? How will I establish my boundaries and yet still be a kind person? How much is too much to give and how much is too little? How do I want to steer my career? Or careers? What kind of woman, daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, student, human being, spirit do I choose to be? None of these are mutually exclusive and yet are all aspects of who I am, was and will be. The best part is I get to choose who I am, who I'm going to be and I also get to choose who I was. Qoui? You may ask, what how can you choose who you were? Well I get to choose the lens through which I view the past. That is if I'm dead set on looking at the past instead of the ever delicious present. I can judge myself and others and decide that i was stupid or they were stupid or malicious or unkind or that I was malicious or unkind or foolish and naive. I mean there are hundreds of ways of interpreting the past, the present and the future.

Right now I'm working on the idea that if I get to choose, why don't I choose to believe that if I knew better or had all the facts I would make better choices (there's that word again) or if I believed in myself more or had better self esteem or less it doesn't matter really because it's over. The past that is, you can certainly learn from the past, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Just like you don't or rather didn't have the facts other people didn't have the facts either or their new self today is better for having walked all over you or misjudged your worth. (Whoops a little bitterness slipped in there) Or for the people you didn't value or instead of looking at any of it poorly. How about how strong you become because of "wrong" choices? How you are so keenly aware now? How you really value yourself and your talents? Your ability to give or to now discern and get up to speed a little faster. Baby steps, baby steps. But what if you look at your past with a joy and wonderment of wow I survived that, or hmmm interesting choice that led me down an ultimately fruitless path or was it? Is the path fruitless if you learned something about yourself, about others, about love or lack of it?

And really thank God for the choice in the first place! I rather have the choice to make mistakes or make lovely synchronicitous events occur because of excellent choices. All I know is where I am in my life right now, the good, the bad, the slightly crazy is a result of all the choices I've made and I love where I am and where I'm headed. So I can choose to look back and see roses that bloomed in the cow *bleep*. It's beautiful, it's rich in hue, luscious in fragrance and vibrancy and yes there are thorns and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Auditions, Commercials and Films, OH MY!

So the last couple of days has been awesome, actually this was my kind of week. I started out with filming a short film and wrapped it up with shooting a spec commercial for Heinz. It was a great week! I worked with mazing people on both jobs and had so much fun. The commercial was a blast and silly. The theme was Heinz Ketchup but in a bar so it was all about the Heinz instead of liquor. So I was able to bring my bartending experience to the forefront. The director and producers/actresses were awesome and so receptive to my ideas. That meant so much to me. I have produced a film and play and I have great ideas. I feel really blessed by it and when I am heard and appreciated it means so much to me. I know I can really add to a project because I have a true collaborative spirit. I equate it with jazz riffing. You just get in there and the creative juices start flowing. You just vibe off the moment and other people's ideas. The goal is to make the project the best it can be and through that we all win.

The producers who were also the main actresses were awesome, so creative and receptive, real team players. It was so wonderful to be around people who genuinely took in the ideas and incorporated them. Also I got credit for the ideas and the director and the producers thanked me . I guess we all just want to recognized for our work and our contribution to the work. I find myself time and again coming back to the idea, this craft is not a one person gig. For one, it's too much work and to be frank you just don't and can't do it on your own. It's just not the way this medium works. Even if you just bounce ideas off someone and they respond and give you feedback, it ain't just you doing the work! It was a great day, I mean really awesome met some great people. I am also becoming really aware of how creative I am and how I need to one, know that and two, be in an environment were people are secure enough to take it in and really want the project as a whole to be better not just a showcase for them to say I did that all by my lonesome.

Anyway I met a really awesome woman at the gig today. She and I were totally riffing on a screenplay idea so we exchanged #'s and we're going get together to make it happen. I think it's genius, she came up with the idea and then I ran with it and we batted it back and forth, all before 9am. But, we'll have to see. I tend to think people are as honest as I am. Sometimes people say they want to collaborate but really not so much, but the beauty is you learn and it's called a contract. You learn from the experience and maybe you to pay in time and money, but the experience itself is a stepping stone. I call it life's tuition baby. You play, you win. You play, you lose. You play. That's a quote from a beautiful book called The Passion by Jeanette Winterson an absolutely lovely book and that line just sums up a lot in life and in this business. I love that book so much that it literally is in two pieces and practically every other page is dogeared! The only other book I have had in literally two pieces is Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurty. Wow I get misty just mentioning the book. I fell in love with the characters and they've been with me ever since and I read the book like eons ago. He is a beautiful writer.

I also had a great audition yesterday and I have to reiterate I love auditioning. I am a crazy person apparently. No I just truly love what I do and yes of course I get butterflies but I am so grateful to be doing what I love. I mean just knowing in your heart what you love and then doing it is a freaking blessing and I so grateful to even have the chance to don a character, try her on and walk around in her shoes for a minute. So whether I get it or not. I met the director and the writer and who knows, if not that project maybe another. It's a small community and you keep running into the same people, so we'll see. I got an audition next Wednesday I'm really excited (and nervous) about but otherwise I got a lot of writing to do and getting ready for my trip to Africa. Life is delicious, did you know?

Movies and Books

I am an avid reader and I am one of those people who takes offense when someone equates watching a movie with reading the book. I suppose it's somewhat arrogant of me but I think it's deceptive to say you've read a book when in fact you have not. They are both wonderful mediums for telling a story but not interchangeable. I just saw The Way of the Peaceful Warrior a fantastic movie in its message. I read the book sometime ago and it is definitely one of those books I quote from, recommend to people constantly and find myself giving away my copy of all the time. The film is considered to be in the genre of spiritual cinema , a niche that is gaining in popularity whit movies such as Conversations with God and What the Bleep do we Know etc(Article). I have to tell you I love movies that make me want live a better life, that keenly get me right into the present moment and movies that make me want to read! What a unique quality in a movie, the movie made me want to go read the book again. I started with saying that it's not the same as the movie because as great as the movie is you cannot capture in an hour and a half all the messages of a book. Many but not all. Although of course you can appeal to a much larger audience and perhaps draw people to a book that will change their lives (and it will) that would not otherwise be exposed to it.

I actually also love books that make me want to read more books as well as movies that make me want to read more books. For example, Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code made me what to study the masons, the Templars, government history, Roman history. I wanted to travel and hole myself up in a library all at the same time. That's what good books are made of by my account. Anne Rice's book have similar effects on me "Vittorio the Vampire" made me want to go get Ovid's Metamorphosis which I did and Cry to Heaven made me want to study the history of Opera and falsettos, eunuchs and the history of Napoli and Florence as the epicenter of Opera at one time. The Way of the Peaceful Warrior made me want to go read books on meditation and Buddha, for some reason and finally take up some martial art. When a book or a movie makes you hunger for knowledge and savor the moment of life you're currently living you have struck gold. Dan Millman's book The Way of the Peaceful Warrior did that to me it definitely altered the course of my life. The movie really touches upon some of the pivotal moments in the book in a visual and profound way. But oddly enough and this is coming from the woman who is an actress I prefer the book. As a little girl, you usually would find me deep into a book, I actually used to walk around the streets of Manhattan literally with a book up to my face reading. My mother was none too pleased as she feared for my life and my eyesight. I am happy to say I have my life, my eyesight not so much.

On the flip side you would find me trying to overcome my painful shyness by acting and becoming any character that struck my fancy. I find myself torn between my love of books and movies. which makes it very obvious why I am an actress and a writer, a movie lover and an avid reader. One of my favorite things to do though is watch the behind the scene and for this particular movie I felt more invested even because I care about the book so much and it was obvious the film makers did as well. I love the way they put so much of themselves into the production and staying true to the book in so many ways impressed me. Lately when I watch these behind the scenes footage I find myself being keenly aware of how much I accomplished on the film I was producing and also how little we really knew. There is so much work that goes into telling a story visually, so many people crafting and adding and shaping the story into what it eventually becomes. It is like a finely cooked meal with dozens of chefs. Acting and producing a movie, essentially collaborating really takes a lot of trust and a willingness to grow and allow people to add to your work, to guide and shape a story together.

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior tells you to go within for your answers to find that still place within you that guides you and leads you. To be still and be detached and happy in this moment because it's all you have. The future doesn't exist and the past is over. I find it interesting that I am drawn to this kind of message and also have picked careers that force me to be in the moment and also put myself into the hands of others so I can learn to detach and trust. I can learn to be happy whether I am valued and appreciated and happy whether I am used and taken for granted. My joy cannot be attached to either because I am not in control of anything other than my relationship to it. It is delicious that with all the my current trials and joys I find myself led back to Dan Millman's movie/book. In fact it is perfect. The moment, the book and the movie, all perfect in its own right.

Blessings they are Abounding!

I feel like I should start a sermon with a post title like that but in truth I'm just vibing off an awesome day. It's so interesting to me how I can have 4 hours of sleep but put me on a set and I'm just not tired unlike anything else I do. Don't get me wrong i love my clients and most certainly I'm blessed to be able to call many of them my friends and I genuinely enjoy training them etc but it's nothing compared to the joy I feel acting. It's another echelon of feeling. The surge of energy that goes through your body I can only describe it thus, it's electricity and it's definitely charged. It's also so wonderful when you work with amazing people.

The cast and crew were phenomenal not just in terms of the energy and down to the earth vibe but just hard working without drama. And of course there was drama...IT's a film of course there's drama! But it was minimal, the P.A.'s didn't show, which was so not cool but the director/actress/writer/producer was awesome and very composed. Gracious and genuinely kind, and there were no diva's or divo's on the set which was also wonderful. No one was like where's my coffee and you know, the energy was very laid back. I have to attribute that to the person at the helm. No one was taken for granted, i.e. our time and I am starting to see something about inspiring people in a way that they are happy to work for you. There's something to that I think it comes down to being genuine.

It was a great day. The Dp was awesome, the crew as I mentioned. The boom guy I've worked with before and we couldn't figure out on what until I sat down at this big long table and we both got it. It was a film I worked on last year, where I played an FBI agent, called "Butterfly Screams". I was playing an attorney this go around but it was the sitting at a big official table that brought it back. Anyway that brings me back to the PA's not showing, in this business, it's a small community it's like cutting your nose off to spite your face. Also I believe I worked with the woman who played the opposing counsel. We didn't pin point it we were too busy having amazing metaphysical conversations.

It's great to be around people who talk the talk AND walk the walk. I think with that last statement I just had an epiphany, you draw people to you who are of like mind ( I know that but sometimes it hits you). But sometimes you can caught up with who just talk the talk, no judgments, they're not there yet but they think they are. It's very interesting or perhaps they're trying but they're using the words but not the actions. You know do unto to others as you would have done unto you as so forth. Sometimes it seems I have to get hit on the head to see what's been right in front of my face, all the signs. You also have to pay attention to who and what people are bringing to them. If it's consistent it's probably not a fluke. As usual I digress, today was one of those days when the stars are just lined up and everything was grooving amidst the setbacks which is the way it should be. If it's right in your heart it'll shine through the dark times. So those are some of the blessings going on today. I'm just really feeling things are back on the road I had not felt under my feet for a little while. It's all good lessons and "hard times" teach you and you get really appreciative when you're appreciated through word and action.

I love this work I truly do. It didn't hurt that I was coming off such an amazing weekend of inspiration in the choice of movies in my repertoire. Good times, I really feel the blessings abounding! Hallelujah! I'm gonna bask in it, the peaks and the valleys, they're all yummy in their own way.

Movie Mania

Watching movies, making movies!? Fun fun Fun! I have seen two amazing movies, 3 really. Pursuit of Happyness, Black Snake Moan and Volver. I was totally blown away with each one by the level of commitment each had shining through it. And the stories whether they were true or were parables, and even the true story told like a parable, they were so moving. The acting the directors... hello Pedro Almodovar, it would be worth it to learn Spanish just to be dream of the possibility of working with him. The man loves women! His female characters are so rich and complex, they are not 2 dimensional in any way. You feel the love exuding from his characters and his film.

Then of course the Pursuit of Happyness come on? How do you not love it? A man triumphing over circumstance and driven by the love for his child?! I really can't tell what that does for my heart. It reaches into my gut and floods my soul, but especially, especially because he sought to break the chain. That spoke to me the most. I have said since I was a little girl I am going to break the chain of pain in my family, through the generations of women. I am choosing not to get into it here, not yet, not now. But I will have to suffice it to say it resonated with me, deeply. And on top of all that thew director an Italian director, Gabriele Muccino, essentially learning English on set, explaining to the Americans what the American dream is because he can see it more clearly than we do? Simply fabulous and then to top that off he directed "Ultimo bacio L' ", The last kiss, in Italy/Italian. I have not seen yet, but will and have been planing on it since seeing the American version of The Last Kiss which was based on it and was phenomenal. I would love to work with him as well. It's all very intertwined.

I've already gushed about Black Snake Moan but then to follow that with Volver, well I have to tell you it's been a banner weekend and then tomorrow I get to be a short film that came by me in quite a magical way. The stars are lining up and to be so inspired by these beautiful movies, with fantastic writers, directors, actors and producers and the level of commitment and respect everyone seemed to have for one another it just, well it warms the heart. This is the work I am gearing for this is the work I am on the road to doing and I am inflamed.

Sweet Dreams

I've been getting inspired. I had rehearsal today for the film "Canine Custody" we're filming on Monday. I have to say I love this work more than anything. It truly fills my soul. I even enjoy auditioning. I know most actors hate it. I'm not saying that it's not wonderful to just have a role given to you but having done some casting I know that just isn't how it works. It happens of course but I love auditioning because it's a chance, an opportunity to try on a character. I love just being really present in that room and giving it all you got and being part of the creation of this character. Even if you're not whom they choose you are part of creating the character. Sometimes just in not being right for it, you're helping the casting people, director, producers etc get clear on what they don't want, and therefore on what they do want. Or you could be close and that helps get them closer. Or you could be it and that's just icing on that yummy cake I call my sweet dream. It's just wonderful to be following my dream. I had that audition on Friday and it felt good, that's where that little diatribe came from.

Today we had rehearsal and I realized that this is what I want to wake up for, that and writing. It's just coming together with fellow artists and creating something together, a sculpture out of clay but we're the clay. It feels so good and to be in the room with humble people, artists bringing it to the table. I was watching Black Snake Moan just a little while ago and I have to say I loved the movie. The metaphors, the acting, the message and the work everyone put into it. I really want to do gritty revealing work like that, stuff I believe in. It got me thinking about the film " The Visit" I was producing, that's been postponed, and all your heart that goes into a project. Really and literally your soul, as an actor, as a producer. If you're doing both like I was on that project you put everything on the line your work (the pays the bills kind), your name, your time, your trust, your dreams for yourself, the project and everyone involved. The thing is I love this work. I love telling the story, finding the story, creating the story! I have a deep passion for it. It was great watching the behind the scenes of Black Snake Moan and everyone really collaborated, they worked with each other. It looked like they didn't take for granted that you don't make a film by yourself, you can't. Even a one man show takes other people. It's interesting I thought about how today looking around the table at rehearsal, I was thinking about how we are all coming together to tell this story and every single one of us is necessary and integral to the whole. Not just the actors or the writer but also the director,DP, the crew and even the location, everything is conspiring to tell the story.

I am dreaming of working on this film and others in the future. I'm dreaming about being valued and really collaborating, not just words, and how much that really feeds my soul. I know and believe it's possible. I know I will do work like Black Snake Moan, that I am really proud of. Where I am allowed and encouraged to bring my creativity to the table AND be recognized for it. These are my dreams, these are the dreams of many actors, artists. I know my dream will be reality. I feel it in my soul.

Thriving Thursday

Alright I've decided to just give in and indulge my love of the alliteration. Why fight it? They come easily to me and rather than sitting here racking my brain for a clever non alliterative post title I figure go with the flow don't fight it young lady! So It was a great Thursday even though I was boasting very little sleep. I was so tired last night but I could not go to sleep to save my life. I guess I get caught up in the various things I have to do and then my brain starts running rampant and wind down time and...you see where this is going don't you. Honestly I sometimes find myself very exhausting. But luckily I love myself so I choose to not break up with me. Instead I choose to accept my faults and instead resolve to give up coffee for the umpteenth time. The problem is I don't have many vices I don't really drink, smoke or do any other fun stuff. Adam Ants song don't drink, don't smoke what do you do, flitters across my brain. And like that with one fell swoop I just aged myself or professed a scary love for 80's music, either way I'm not telling. But I feel almost like I have to have a vice and sadly insomnia does not seem to qualify. Ah phooey, and there it is I'm truly a nerd and hence the need for a vice. I mean who says phooey other me?... and my fellow nerdians.

So I will start a new paragraph to see if I can escape the diatribe that ran away with me above. I had two auditions today and as of this posting I have been cast in one of the roles! Yeehaw! The film is called "Canine Custody" and I play an attorney for the husband who is trying to gain custody of the beloved dog. One of the wonderful aspects to getting this job, outside of the fact that the portion of the script I have read (I am awaiting its entirety) is excellent and the lead actress/producer was really just so kind and gracious, but the crowning part is they were looking to cast a man for the role at first and the role I had originally submitted for was cast before I was able to audition! Ergo and forthwith and what not, they changed the role to a woman after seeing me. I am feeling so blessed at this moment I am full of joy!!!

Alright, I am sooo happy and its a comedy. I love comedy as you may know if you've been with me for any period of time, I am a self proclaimed sitcom whore. What can I say, give me a good, well written sitcom with actors with superb comedic timing and I am riveted. My favorites at the moment are "Girlfriends", "Dharma and Greg" and always "Scrubs" but I am taking a hiatus from "Scrubs" because they only show a limited release of seasons and I can quote entire episodes, okay so I exaggerate but I don't want to overload on them, kind of like too much good chocolate it would be a shame to overindulge. One of my dreams is to be on Scrubs which would be great considering it's their last season coming up and I believe filming begins in August. well I just put it out there in the universe and who knows. No matter what I would love to work with several of the cast members in the future. So I also went on a go-see for Makari cosmetics today. I didn't meet the height requirements but as the job I got today testifies you never know, just stay open and appreciative for the opportunity to be seen and to even be doing what you love. Lord knows I am and they said they needed someone, an actress with teleprompter experience for future projects and well I'm your lady. So I will end on this positive note. I want to go read my script... we film on Monday and rehearse on Saturday and I have another audition tomorrow...Hallelujah! Life is truly delicious.

Fireworks Baby!

What is it about fireworks that turns us all into 5 year olds? There is something about the rumbling and the explosions that turn grown and sometimes hardened and bitter new yorkers into glib and wide eyed children if even for only 30 mins. We all stare in wonder at the colors in the sky. Oohs and Ahhs escape our lips and various murmurs of pleasure. People turn to one another and exclaim cool and wow to complete strangers that moments ago were potential thieves to be eyed with suspicion and if not thieves certainly potential view blockers!

This year I did not have to fight the multitudes for a piece of sidewalk to watch the festival of lights. I had procured the ultimate in 4th of July festivities in New York, the party on the east side with a view. One of my awesome house mates in the Hampton's a few weeks ago invited myself and many of the others to a 4th of July party. It was on the 16th floor of an apartment in Murray Hill just two avenues away from the east river and boasting a balcony no less. It was a fun party and everyone was very cool (kudos to the host), heard some good stories, fine wine and various other choice beverages were there for the imbibing but once those fireworks started... Almost everyone went to the balcony which was certainly large enough to hold the lot of us, but did not stop me from having visions of falling out of the sky. I am not one for heights if you have not already guessed.

What was interesting is that an apartment full of people suddenly became fairly silent except for wow and oohs and intermittent clapping (that may have been me). We all became little children and the few times I wasn't transfixed by the lights, I glanced around and saw rapt faces and the little kid in everyone just shone on their faces. When it was over the disappointment was evident but we put our grownup faces back on and went back to chatting. It was just so interesting to see two very different sides to everyone in a short period of time. I never made it to Guest House even though a wonderful girlfriend of mine was throwing a party. The rain kept me at bay, as it so easily does. In addition to heights I am also not a huge fan of rain especially when wearing gorgeous t-strap leather and suede maroon shoes. It was a gamble but it had to be made, it was the closest I was going to come to wearing red with my blue jeans and where I was wearing white is none of your business. Luckily the rain made intermittent visits throughout the evening allowing for us to enjoy the Macy's fireworks fairly dry and to exit the party with minor damage to the shoes although my umbrella did not fair better. C'est la vie. You play you win, you play you lose,You play. All in all I had a great 4th of July. Viva America!

Bringing it Back

Going to see the fireworks tomorrow at a friends house, party etc then I've been invited to Guest House and it seems wed nights are the night to go out so...I may have to swing by. So I've got a bunch of auditions coming up this week and we start filming again on the show, "Tempting Joanna". Talk about answered prayers I was feeling a little like things were getting slow and then bam 3 auditions came up today and a go-see from one my agents. Yeehaw very happy about that. Acting is truly where my heart is and it is definitely a career that constantly tests my faith. I'm appreciative to have a love, acting that is, that puts me constantly in a place of having to have faith, to be in the moment and still have to plan to keep things in motion whilst releasing expectation! It's like a weird, wonderful, wild spiritual metaphysical way of living wrapped up in a career. I have no idea if that makes any sense but it is really a wonderful challenge and I obviously love it, shoot, you gotta in this business.

So I'm thinking about last year this time and I am so grateful for how my life has changed!! I can't begin to sing out how happy I am for where my life is and the very awesome people I have for friends, the work I'm getting, the auditions, I am so happy. What's really interesting is being happy or rather joyful even when having doubt's and wistful moments but choosing to see all the blessings. I know it may sound hokey but it's really where I am. It's really kinda neat to be in that head space. I think I'm gonna take myself to the movie's tomorrow after my run and yoga see if i can't undo all that good work with a vat of soda and a trough of popcorn. Honestly though if it takes two hands to lift up the soda haven't we gone too far!?! Not that I should talk I plan my meals around a movie day. You have to figure out how to reconcile a 1000 calories worth of soda and god only knows of popcorn. Alright I guess I'll have to run and do the elliptical tomorrow...oh wait and I'm going dancing tomorrow score! Excellent it's settled then. Sweet dreams, ciao.

Yoga Yoga BoBoga Fo FanFana....

Alright so I am blatantly amusing myself and most likely no one else and to this I say... what else is new? I am generally seeking to amuse only one person and if there is more added to that number then bonus! But one is the aim, sorry audience whoever you are. So I dragged myself kicking and screaming to a yoga class this evening. I was kicking and screaming for two reasons one I am not yoga friendly and two I was upping my running schedule today and was trying desperately to get out of it. Very pathetic for a trainer huh? But honest nonetheless. I think its ridiculous to pretend I'm also sailing to the gym on gossamer wings. I keep going for several reasons the first being I made a commitment to myself, the second once I'm there I have a great time working out, third I am highly competitive so this fuels the first and second and fourth I am going to live long damnit and I want to do it looking and feeling good. Mostly the looking good part, the feeling good comes from looking good because it is better to look good than to feel good and you look marvelous! Come on I had to do the Billy Crystal SNL reference there was no way around it!

Back to the Yoga, I am trying to...no I AM starting to take Yoga classes every day because I am not a stretcher. If I do not get myself in front of people to force myself to stretch I will not do it. There I've told you my dirty secret now leave me alone (said in that 1940's movie style and then I throw myself onto the couch). Yeah so that's my secret unless I am in the proper environment I will not take the extra time to stretch. I want to become more supple, finally learn to do a split and generally find that calm place (ha),learn to breathe and get into really odd poses that nobody in their right mind should...Okay so I'm being silly, it's a time honored 5000 year old spiritual practice and I find it challenging albeit silly at times. Alright so maybe it's not the yoga itself I find silly but rather myself when twisted into a pretzel. Oh boy I was a pretzel today with one leg wrapped around the other and my elbows and arms entwined. Whew.

I really love the challenge of it. I am strong but put me in pretzel position, I believe that is the technical name, and I am falling over, it's not my forte but soon, soon muahahaha (said like a mad scientist) I will take over the yoga world! Alright but I'm not kidding I am going to master this thing. I'm just trying to discover which type is best for me and find a teacher or a few that I like. I find that a good portion of my life lessons have to do with discipline. Discipline for my carers to continually submit my head shot, to make sure I sit down and write everyday, not just this blog but my book and screenplay ideas, my fitness blog. Discipline for my body, to work out, to eat well, basic maintenance. Discipline for my heart and spirit, to meditate, take time for myself to play and rest. So I will, I am adding yoga to the mix for my body, spirit hopefully it will help me segue into meditating on a more consistent basis. Alright I speaking of discipline I mus go to sleep I will take my leave of you. Namaste.

Mosquitoe Madness

Finally feeling better. The sniffles have subsided and although I slept for 11 hours!! I feel like I am back on track. I missed out on a roof top birthday party yesterday for one of the girls I met in the Hampton's. I almost went out anyway but homey don't play that any more. I have to take care of myself first and foremost otherwise what kind of message am I sending to myself or the universe? That's how I see it anyway. My first commitment has to be to me and my health and well being. I felt melancholy about it though last night was a beautiful night from what I could gather from my post in bed with the remote in hand. Also it was a full moon and I love the full moon although I definitely get affected.

So anyway, unwell or not got some weight training in yesterday but skipped the running. I'm trying to build my cardiovascular health and stamina but not to worry you will (probably) never see me run a marathon for many reasons. Although I am aware what an achievement it is and the commitment it takes, I think it is so bad for your body and should only be administered, doled out as a form of punishment for misdeeds not something you choose to do. It's my feeling about it but I do have a lot of respect for people who do it, God bless them and their knees.

I have a lot to do this week in terms of getting a visa for my trip to Africa and vaccinations and pills for malaria. Honestly I am terrified of the mosquito situation I am told as a child I was once taken to the hospital for a reaction to too many mosquito bites. I am, apparently, a very tasty meal for mosquitoes. When I went to the Bahama's some years ago I had counted 14 bites on just my left forearm alone. The problem is I have no restraint when it comes to scratching the itchy remnants of their feast upon my flesh and then they balloon to the size of walnuts, the bites that is. As attractive as you can imagine that is to look at, the worst part is I look like some rabid dog with serious fleas just scratching and scratching away my flesh and then I have scars. The End. Wasn't that a nice story?

So I am having intense fear about the mosquitoes and I now will have to discuss the amount of Deet I will bringing with me and bathing in. Which brings me to the potential poisoning that will occur from having copious amount of Deet seeping in through my pores and possibly changing my DNA which if it makes me an unsavory meal for my treacherous flying friends I am all for it! But more likely i will probably just lead to discoloration of skin and various other health problems and... Whoa not cool I just looked up Deet poisoning and it is very real thing and they say people have had their DNA changed!!! Damnit! (Deet article) I am really sensitive to pollutants and my skin is sensitive and apparently according to this article my only recourse will be to become a large welt. I also am not particularly keen on taking pills and doesn't taking Malaria pills mean they give you a dosing of Malaria?! Alright I think I have had enough of thinking about this about working myself up. I have to talk to a doctor and I also need to do some research on homeopathic remedies, topical and otherwise etc. Okay I will take my leave of you now on this note as I see the mosquito that took it's toll on me last night circling. Ugh.