Choices

As I sat down to write this blog I was talking to myself, shockingly, here's where we all pretend to be surprised. Yeah, yeah and here's where I say- don't pretend like you don't. It's just the degree to which we talk to ourselves that differentiates our levels of crazy. There's mildly crazy, some commentary, simply a few words here or there, reminding yourself to pick up toilet paper (why is that one so hard to remember?!? honestly though its annoying, can I get a witness?) or asking yourself where you placed your keys. To full blown crazy i.e. you're having a full on conversation at the grocery store but no one else but me is near you and I'm knee deep in my own conversation, but you're distracting me. Okay maybe my conversation was internal and hers not so much. But we all talk to ourselves. So I was saying to myself how happy I am to have choices. Even choices as to what title to give my blog, or what tea I'd like to have or will I watch Army wives or Entourage first after my late night shower ( I wake up too early in the morning to even consider it any other time).

We have so many choices and it's such a wonderful thing because our choices don't stop at what program or tea to watch. Rather they continue and I'd really like to think begin with, what kind of life would I like to have? What kind of person do I want to be? How will I establish my boundaries and yet still be a kind person? How much is too much to give and how much is too little? How do I want to steer my career? Or careers? What kind of woman, daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, student, human being, spirit do I choose to be? None of these are mutually exclusive and yet are all aspects of who I am, was and will be. The best part is I get to choose who I am, who I'm going to be and I also get to choose who I was. Qoui? You may ask, what how can you choose who you were? Well I get to choose the lens through which I view the past. That is if I'm dead set on looking at the past instead of the ever delicious present. I can judge myself and others and decide that i was stupid or they were stupid or malicious or unkind or that I was malicious or unkind or foolish and naive. I mean there are hundreds of ways of interpreting the past, the present and the future.

Right now I'm working on the idea that if I get to choose, why don't I choose to believe that if I knew better or had all the facts I would make better choices (there's that word again) or if I believed in myself more or had better self esteem or less it doesn't matter really because it's over. The past that is, you can certainly learn from the past, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Just like you don't or rather didn't have the facts other people didn't have the facts either or their new self today is better for having walked all over you or misjudged your worth. (Whoops a little bitterness slipped in there) Or for the people you didn't value or instead of looking at any of it poorly. How about how strong you become because of "wrong" choices? How you are so keenly aware now? How you really value yourself and your talents? Your ability to give or to now discern and get up to speed a little faster. Baby steps, baby steps. But what if you look at your past with a joy and wonderment of wow I survived that, or hmmm interesting choice that led me down an ultimately fruitless path or was it? Is the path fruitless if you learned something about yourself, about others, about love or lack of it?

And really thank God for the choice in the first place! I rather have the choice to make mistakes or make lovely synchronicitous events occur because of excellent choices. All I know is where I am in my life right now, the good, the bad, the slightly crazy is a result of all the choices I've made and I love where I am and where I'm headed. So I can choose to look back and see roses that bloomed in the cow *bleep*. It's beautiful, it's rich in hue, luscious in fragrance and vibrancy and yes there are thorns and I wouldn't have it any other way.