Honesty...

Is such a lonely word. That Billy Joel song has been in my head for the last day or so, it's really been resonating with me. I've been contemplating the various aspects of honesty. I guess since I wrote about the being honest with yourself in my Fit Chic blog. I dunno I place a high value on honesty, I feel it has a lot to do with your integrity and my integrity is extremely important to me. I try to not lie even about little things, I just stay out of situations that I would feel inclined to lie or find a way to communicate in a way that is truthful but not unkind. I think that may be a real motivating factor for many to lie, the fear of repercussions of the truth and the desire to not hurt the other person. But in truth if you've done something that you feel would hurt someone haven't you already lied? Or if you do something knowing you wouldn't wish it to be done to you? Haven't you already compromised your integrity? Or if you do something not realizing that it may hurt another than isn't the truth the way out?

I am contemplating these things. If you take radical personal responsibility for everything in your life then if someone isn't honest with you, for example, I ask myself where have I been lying to myself? Did I create an unsafe environment for that person to tell the truth? Or did I lie to myself that this person could be trusted? Or if am I lying to myself in some area in my life and this is the reflection of it in another? Perhaps it's some variation and percentage of all of the above. I wonder about it because if we find ourselves not being honest with even our food intake (to reference back to my fitness blog) or our true exercise quota even to ourselves than where else are we dropping the ball and what are we missing out on? If we lie to ourselves about our shortcomings, or our responsibility to our own happiness, if we place blame and lay fault everywhere but ourselves than are we lying about our motives in friendships and relationships?

The word motive sounds contrived and almost devious as though we are arriving on our lovers doorsteps with agendas and our friendships with a to do list and a planner. But aren't we on some level always operating with a motive? I recently had a conversation with a friend and in retrospect the basis of most of our/their conversations were about who they were "in trouble " with. In other words who was displeased with them and why etc and arguing of their "case". Upon a further conversation where calculations were being made to determine how mad this other person would be if they were this many minutes late and based on when so and so called were they still within the time frame of not being "in trouble". And I said to my friend so everything is based on and around whether or not you are in trouble and my friend, who is exceptionally bright, was honest, admitted this and was able to pinpoint where exactly when such behavior started.

As an actress these moments are gold, when you really get behind what motivates a person, why they say the things they do and frankly everything a person does has an underlying motive. Even friendships, relationships, honesty or lack thereof are motivated by some desire to be loved or act out some belief that they can't be loved, or to be seen a certain way or rebel against an image, or be seen as an honest person or not get in trouble or... and on and on. Honesty ultimately is an integrity issue. It's just fascinating to think about how it shows up or doesn't, and who is daring enough to be honest about their intentions and motives, without being unkind or who is just wading through lies they are telling to themselves and any unfortunate soul unlucky enough to get near their silver tongue. And of course, where is the unlucky liee being dishonest about their needs or wants and desires or lacking in integrity to be around someone who is lying to them, because you gotta take responsibility for your life. Even and especially the people who show up in your life with their integrity in tow or not. You called them into your life for a reason to show where you are or show you where you're not. I'm pondering this and I'm intrigued by these ideas, questions and quite simply fascinated, honestly.