What?!!?

So I'm training my client this evening and I decide to look at my flight itinerary for my trip next week and I discover that I am in fact leaving the U.S. on August 2nd and arriving in Dar Es Salaam on August 3rd. Now this came as a shock to me because for some reason i have been under the impression that I was leaving the 3rd. So in addition to feeling that perhaps my thoughts of myself as being quite bright were maybe a little overshot but also I have lost an entire day! I have been planning on training people on Thursday and doing and last minute stuff, going to a birthday party wed evening. I mean I have lost an entire day! Oh well, on the bright side I'm really glad I looked and caught that today as opposed to, like say Thursday!?!!

So as I grieve for my lost day, I might as well grieve for my lost sleep. I'm not sure where I have put it and I desperately miss it. I am operating on approximately 4 whole hours, 2 of which occurred between the hours of 2 and 4 this afternoon. Not 2 solid hours mind you, but 2 nonetheless. Another client of mine today, after the one where I discovered my trip departure faux pas (whom by the way told me it was one of the most incoherent flight itinerary she's ever seen, even if it was an attempt to make me feel better I'll take it) said maybe I need a break. The lack of sleep is well a fair indicator. But tell me this, who's gonna catch up on sleep, when there is a country to explore??! I am not planning on sleeping a whole bunch on my trip but perhaps I'll sleep better. I am, truly, tired of it, the insomnia that is, and yes pun intended. Even as I mourn my lack of sleep, I am so loving my life, I can't even find the strength to complain, nor reason to.

I mean I have so many opportunities occurring for me right now, that in and of itself is delicious. I am claiming my life as a writer and an artist. I am about to embark on a trip of a lifetime. I am constantly learning and discovering new things about myself. Breaking patterns and dissolving limiting beliefs opening myself up to new challenges. seeing good and bad in things around me and finding forgiveness and again the lessons?!?!? I mean really this is the stuff of life. I started out my day on set of educational industrial for ANDA. It was a lot of fun and a short day. I mean hell yeah. Even though I'm tired as all get out I made to the gym and rode the spin bike for 30 minutes. I have finally given up on chastising myself for not enjoying running. I am not a fan of running. I am in awe of people who do it and maybe out in the mountains on a dirt road I'd be there but on a treadmill no thank you. And truthfully I highly doubt even then I'll be a fan, but you know as they say, never say never. However, my knees are just not thrilled about it and I doubt they'll change their mind but we'll see.
I totally forgot my best friend is coming to town! Wow I am tired, so on that note I am going to watch The Fountain which so far seems rather promising. I mean a love story and time travel?...heck you got me. I will give you a report tomorrow. Ciao.

Sidewalks of New York

I believe that was the title of a movie. OK I have a pet peeve I need to air here. I am sure it's not particular to New York but I know it happens here all the time. Here it is, do not speed past me to get in front of me and then slow down! What the %$8#@ is that?!? And the flip side, pretend you're aware that you're not the only person on the planet and let me get by. Just shift to the side it's not that hard people, it's called awareness. I don't want to be so up on you that I can count your neck hair. I really don't and I'm not trying to be rude but I am trying to get somewhere and if it's your day off or you're strolling and stopping to smell the roses, hey that's cool too. But don't force me to do so with you, just move to the side let me by. I never mind it if I'm having a slow day (when does that happen?) and I'm strolling, to just shift my body to let a person get on with their journey to their destination. I am aware that some of my frustration is that I live in midtown and there are a lot of tourists. However, this does not give you the license to act like the only person or people on the sidewalk. In fact some of the same rules one would apply to driving in your respective hometowns apply here but on the sidewalks.

While we're on a this subject here's a topic that relates. What's the thought process behind stopping at the bottom of the stairs or the escalator? I'm just curious. Or the top of the stairs for that matter? Let me understand this you're getting off the escalator for example and you're not sure what your next step is going to be or where you're going. And apparently you've decided that the best recourse to discovering this, is to stop at the bottom or top of the stairs/escalator, you name it, right in front of it because....? Because you're the only person on it?The only person in the universe? I just can't get my head around it and it irks me to no end. Just move to the freaking side! Oh my God, it's not that hard people, just move to the side! It's called awareness, manners, a brain, whatever you want to call it just do it. Get out the way. You're pissing me off and I'm seriously wondering when Darwin is going to kick in with this business. I mean really.

So that's just my feelings about it. The title sidewalks of New York could really lead to so many topics but alas this was the one I felt the need to exorcise. All that being said, I'm out. Ciao.

Flowing days

I'm just eking out the rest of my day. I am exhausted. I can't go to sleep before 3am which is just ridiculous and I'm tired of it, Pun intended!! I know some it has to do with general excitement with all the wonderful things going on in my life, one part things hanging over my head that I need (bad word) to do and another part, I'm just a night owl. I mean I always have been as little girl I was staying up reading until 2 am by the sliver of light by my door, hello glasses. What can you do? I did it to myself. But I've been trying to look at the insomnia thing by asking myself what it costs me. What am I less likely to do because I'm tired? What do I get less enjoyment out of because my brain is operating at a slower capacity? they say that getting less than 4 hours of sleep is tantamount to being drunk, well I don't drink but sometimes my word retrieval is less than extraordinary. C'est la vie. So it costs me plans sometimes, and maybe a workout or two and definitely... this is big... I get to chastise myself. Aha that's it, everything is going really well and I am sabotaging my full experience of the joy because I'm so tired I'm not fully present. Booya, that is an epiphany! Alright well now I can do something about it from the perspective of knowing why. I will not chastise myself so I get not payoff and well I'll figure the rest out but that really was a grand slam.

So it turns out they are going to go ahead with the production dates that conflict with my trip but I still believe you never know. Until camera's rolling anything can happen and even after that. So I am just happy about the people I met and all the creation and momentum that went into the last week. Great news on another front though, I just booked an educational industrial for Anda this Friday. I'm psyched. I don't know the particulars yet but I do know it's a cafe scene and I'm a professional type, well alright then. You want it, you got it. I got tons of business attire which I find amusing because I so am not the office type but I do love a good suit. So i await the particulars and I celebrate the work I get and don't get.

Oh yeah I went to Long Island today for an audition for a horror Film. How fun would that be? I so do not watch horror films but I would love to be in one. The reason I don't watch horror films is simply I am a scaredy cat, that and my imagination is just fine on it's own. I do not need help in that department whatsoever. I am still traumatized by Nightmare on Elm street, forget Carrie, The Shining or The Exorcist. I just can't go there. Even some psychological thrillers are too much for me. I personally can't take too much violence but mostly it's the supernatural Amityville horror stuff and you got me screaming Uncle. On the other hand I would LOVE to do a film like Grindhouse! I haven't seen it yet but that machine gun leg Rose McGowan had?!! Hello!!? That's just hot and looks like a load of fun and awesome challenge. I dunno but of course I would just love to work with Tarentino and Rodriguez. Anyway it would be great to branch out and do a horror film. We'll see what happens either way I had a great day and I am gonna kick this sleep issues derriere! Ciao.

Degrees of Separation

So it turns out the "Only in America" project I was going on several callbacks for is filming when I'm going to be in Africa. I am disappointed because it seems like it could have been fun. The casting director was pretty sad because she told me I was her strongest candidate. Awesome! It's funny because I am sad I couldn't do it but ultimately the experience of auditioning that many times is so wonderful. I am holding out to see, you never know what can happen. Maybe they'll change the dates, I know whatever is supposed to happen is what will. Either way, I absolutely loved the casting director. A totally cool lady, just someone I could see chilling with. She was very excited for me about my trip and was teaching me a Swahili greeting when we got clear on the dates and the conflicts. It turns out she learned or studied Swahili at Columbia. I trained at Columbia for several years and i mentioned that to her. At which point she mentioned that she knew someone who used to train at Columbia and he was now married to a girl she was very good friends with in College. The person turned out to be my brother's best friend! Someone who I've known since he was 12 and basically consider a brother. Our families have celebrated together at Christmas on several occasions.

What I find so interesting about this is here we are talking on the phone, I've come in for several callbacks 3 to be exact, but with 2 of those days being doubles. All this while and we didn't know that we were separated by one person. But it was just good energy and vibes. I just find it so intriguing. This happens all the time. It's just a small 6 billion person world and I love that. So anyway I have to go become one with a cone of Ice Cream..YEAH! I have an audition out on Long Island! I know but I'm going to use it as an opportunity to write a fitness blog I've been delinquent on. But all things in their time, all things in their time. Okay tomorrow I gotta be up at 5:30am Blech! But I am very blessed to have such a flexible job so, so it goes. Ciao.

Goodness Gracious!

So I'm getting ready for a banner day tomorrow. The trinity of an audition, a callback and a go-see. I am psyched but it does take some planning. How can you dress for 3 separate and different looks without trucking a big bag all day and on top of that gym clothes. So I am puttering about my house, writing, watching TV (looking for my commercial), getting my clothes together, hair etc. Composing my new Fit Chic blog, that I'm remiss on getting back. I'm planning my meals, what I'm gonna do at the gym tomorrow and what have you but I'm mostly I'm going over these roles I received sides for. I'm sort of doing all these things but as each of these women. It's really fun. I love trying on a new pair of shoes so to speak. That is what drew me to acting the first place. I was really shy and still am for the most part. You have to look beneath the veneer of social creature I have donned and is of course one of my sides. I almost wrote one of my personalities but people usually get scared by that. And the personality of mine that is very conservative said "Don't write that people will think you're crazy". Of course Katerina thinks I should say whatever pops in my head. Whoops, did I let one out?

Of course as usual I am amusing myself. And anyone really close to me knows I'm also not joking. I think we all have many facets to our personalties and it's best to embrace them. Even the dark side, because as you know "What you resist, persists". I had a marvelous day. I trained my clients today and I found myself drawn to church (Times Square Church". I hadn't been in about a month, although I'm always listening to spiritual podcasts be them Christian in nature, Gnostic (which is more truly Christian than most realize), New Age or whatever. But I was really moved to go and I was trying to figure out when and which service to go to, because I had to get to the gym (I had already used up my two "rest" days) and various other things. So I was greatly moved to go the 3pm service. The whole time I'm figuring I'll just go to the worship part and then go to the gym. So I get there and I'm singing and it's fabulous. Later when the preaching is about to start, I'm lamenting that I'm 5 people into the row, I'm not really going to get up and get out so I bargain with myself that I'll wait until they finish showing the video.

Well, guess what the video was about? The mission to Burundi that I ultimately did not go on but my that contemplating spurred a deeper connection with my Father and my upcoming trip to Tanzania! So I'm just floored, I'm essentially looking at the land I will be in in 13 days. i was so moved and I was just sitting there so excited with tears in my eyes. Not just for the excitement but just for the land, the people, the continent, the beauty. So that was wonderful and after the video there were just various people coming up and talking about the trip. There was also singing in the native Kurundi. IT was fantastic!! So I didn't have to sit through a sermon, which by the way I usually love, they have great Pastors but I just wasn't in the mood. It was essentially ordered up for me the perfect experience. If I wasn't already so excited, there it was for me my trip ahead. So I am really filled with joy about the trip, not the mosquitoes I will encounter but rather everything else. I'm also very concerned about the coffee situation as in will I be able to have some and with what water will they brew it? Because I am not going to Africa and sitting around sick if you get me. But I will not put too much attention on any of that. I'm going to see my Father and my sister and brother that I've never met 5 and 8 respectively!!

so I will continue doing my puttering about and getting ready for a really lovely day tomorrow. I have to get my Visa and malaria pill description. Damn I hate taking pills but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just love that I had such a lovely day because I listened to that still voice inside me. How glorious is that? Oh I got this wonderful quote today from one of the many motivational, inspirational emails I get daily and I will leave you with that. Ciao.

"I am who I choose to be. I always have been what I chose - though not always what I pleased."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Boom shaka laka boom

I am freaking going crazy with joy!! I am getting message from friends and family about a commercial I did a few months back. Apparently it is now airing and I am so happy because that's exposure!! Also I had a callback yesterday and a double callback today. Ok if I don't keep it together every sentence is going to have an exclamation point at the end of it. I also have an audition on Monday, as well as a callback and a go-see! I was telling one of my clients all this and my voice was like 3 octaves higher than normal and I was practically out of breath. All this because I'm so elated and you can't hear my voice but I have what has been called a Cassandra Wilson voice ( I am definitely very flattered when I hear that). I definitely have a lower register, so for me to be 3 octaves higher is a big deal. But wait there's more..the woman I did a short film with/for a couple of weeks ago asked me to be in her new film. Do you see how every sentence could potentially have an exclamation point at the end of it? I was so happy. She is so amazing to work with, she just has great energy, a wonderful artist. I am feeling so blessed by all the wonderful things happening I could spontaneously ignite.

So all these wonderful things are happening and I am so grateful for them. I feel like all these shifts are happening in my life. One shift, or revelation I had I have to share. It was a big deal for me and a huge turning point. I will not get into the particulars becuase ultimately that is not what matters its the act I took and the choice I made. I had an opportunity to extend myself for someone or choose myself and my piece of mind. I am a caretaker by nature, I have put people up in my house for extended (I mean extended!) periods of time, I give of my time and money etc food definitely. And Lord knows I have supported more than one boyfriend in my lifetime! None of that is wrong or bad, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or anyone thinks you somehow owe them. I love that aspect of myself and would not change that. But this time I became keenly aware of what I really needed and wanted AND how much I was willingly to give without feeling resentful. So I decided to choose myself and I politely declined. This was so huge for me I can't begin to tell you! It was such a shift for me to realize I could choose myself. Also if anyone got angry because they're used to me being another way well that would be good for me to know.

I recently watched a movie called Defending your Life, if you have not seen it I think it's worthwhile to do so. I love Albert Brooks, I think he is brilliant as a writer, actor, what have you and he's funny. I have so much respect for writer/actors/directors etc. Also Meryl Streep is in it and she is just magnificent to watch, she is pure magic. Anyway something struck me that was said in the movie. Albert Brooks character was told that he was stingy with some people in his life and he said who? And he was answered well you were stingy with yourself. This struck me s clearly I heard it so loudly. Now I am not saying don't be giving to people or anything like that. It is so important to be of service to the people in your life or to the community etc. But if you don't give to yourself first, you can't give from a loving place of I am strong and full.

The flip side of giving is receiving and both are so important. Both to and from yourself and to and from others. Today I watched someone who was complaining about how everything was going wrong in their life, and how this and that was bad and the world is ending, no one is nice and life sucks and job and blah blah. I was struggling to keep the energy from being sucked out of my body. But then, and this was so eye-opening for me, I watched this same person get offered a coffee 4 times and turn it down 4 times. She then proceeded to go buy her own coffee and the order was messed up and she complained about it, but when we coaxed her to have them change it said nah it's okay but continued to complain! I was floored, honestly, floored. I was so grateful to be fully present for that because how many times have I done that or some version of that? Not so much in a long time because I am really aware of my speech and I am constantly learning to be more conscious etc. But of course I slip sometimes and it was extraordinary to watch someone creating this reality of doom and gloom. But mostly I was keenly aware of this person not accepting what the universe was trying to give her. I know I have been guilty of that.

In truth giving and receiving is are the same in the universe. But if you only receive i.e. take, that's not cool and if you only give you are depriving someone of the joy of giving to you. The thing is and this is the amazing thing I learned recently when I chose me, you also have to give to yourself! So I am grateful to have had this amazing lesson played out right in front of me and to be aware of it and not join in on the world is ending band wagon. I mean you know we're all human and we have bitching sessions from time to time, and hopefully they become rarer and rarer. But we really don't help each other when we join in and help each other further create that reality. So I am going to go bed and see if I can catch my commercial on TV! Great things are on the horizon and I am exhilarated.

Life is Delicious!

I am having a delicious day. Not without it's setbacks and minor trials but delicious nonetheless. I had a very rare day off and I am trying to somehow slowly get back into what could be called a normal sleep pattern. My insomnia is off the charts these days with Tuesday being no exception I was able to boast 3 whole hours, 2 of which occurred in the middle of the day. Even though exhausted I could not go to sleep tuesday evening until 3:30am, but I did mange to eke out 6 hours. I am not sure exactly what is keeping me up, I don't mean the obvious i.e. things to do, but rather is there something I'm stressed about-yes- rent or something else? I think I know what it is and will tie it into the post title. Something very wonderful is happening and I can feel it. It's a little like being a little kid on Christmas and barely being able to go to sleep because you just can't wait for it to be morning. Yet you know if you don't go to sleep it'll feel like forever until morning comes. So ultimately you go to sleep because if you do morning will come faster.

I have had a delicious week and it is only the middle! Okay what is making it so delicious? What is in the air that is keeping me awake at night?!!? I honestly don't know but things are shifting in my life and I have just been having faith. I had a great audition/interview yesterday and today. I met an amazing casting director through the interview yesterday and an amazing director/writer/actor today. I just love being around creative people. So today I have a wonderful meeting with this director, he's speaking my language, I feel comfortable even though I was 15 minutes late. Which, by the way, is a no-no and also not my style. I felt comfortable for two reasons one the vibe in the room was awesome and you could just relax into it. But also I was praying the whole time up to it. I was trying to be calm and assume everything happens the way its supposed to etc etc.

It was interesting because this is the second audition I've had in two days that were downtown near the World Trade Center. Now I guess I may have been more freaked out if I knew I had left late and/or not been in the right frame of mind. But the other thing may be, it's hard to be down at that site or around it and not realize whatever you think is important at this moment, whatever you're fretting about is probably not what you would want your last thoughts to be. In the grand scheme of things it's not the, God I have paused for 10 minutes not wanting to say, it's not the end of the world. Because, well, I think you know why. Being down there you get a perspective on your life and get really grateful to be alive. Whenever I go downtown I give myself ample time because I am useless when I get to the name streets. I have no idea what or where I am going and, I deeply want one of those car GPS systems attached to me. I am not kidding, I don't want just a hand held GPS, I want something that talks to me and tells me what direction to go and whether I am going in the wrong direction. I grew up on the upper west side and I need a grid, people, I need a grid! I first not only managed to go past my stop and which of course meant I had to go right back up. But then I went the wrong direction and around the site which meant I had to retrace my steps because, there is no way to go through, obviously.

I didn't really put it together until much later and it dawned on me that I feel like this to some degree whenever I am downtown. I just feel kind of lost. I grew up with the Towers and I don't know where I am downtown without the them. I could always figure out where I was in relation to the Towers. You're either east or west of them or north or south of them. I had a similiar sensation when I was on the ferry to Staten island a couple of years back. I was looking back at the city as we moved away from it I was mildly hyperventilating and having separation anxiety because, well I was going to Staten Island and that in and of itself is a reason to feel fear. But as I was looking at the city, I felt like it didn't look like my city. I felt a pang and a loss for the landscape I had known all my life. It is always a revelation to realize how much I'm still affected even in the simplest of ways.

It ties into my day in that I try to always be aware of what I have to be grateful for. So I meet this wonderful director who was gracious about my tardiness and meanwhile it's so humid my hair is expanding by the millisecond. As my Mother would put it, when it's trying to take over Manhattan. In truth whether I get to be a part of the project or not, when you meet great people who are doing the kind of work you want to do, that is the universe saying to you you're on the right track. That, my friend, is delicious!! So I'm on my way back uptown and the train is taking forever, as I said and just illustrated this day was not without it's trials, I feel moved to write the director a thank you email, which I do not always do. So later in the midst of writing the email, the casting director/producer of the TV show I interviewed for yesterday calls me and asks me to go in tomorrow and Friday to test with other people!! Holla!! So I'm floating on cloud nine, mind you I am just grateful for the chance to see these people and to be called back etc. That's how you know you're in the right profession or place, the joy to just be able to have the opportunity. So, on top of that,I go to the gym for a gym date with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever and and when I come back I got an email from the director today saying he'll be in touch with me next week! If today was an apple or a peach I would just bite into it, seriously I would. I'm just riding the wave and honestly I am elated. Now I would just like to add rested to the dossier. Ciao.