I am freaking going crazy with joy!! I am getting message from friends and family about a commercial I did a few months back. Apparently it is now airing and I am so happy because that's exposure!! Also I had a callback yesterday and a double callback today. Ok if I don't keep it together every sentence is going to have an exclamation point at the end of it. I also have an audition on Monday, as well as a callback and a go-see! I was telling one of my clients all this and my voice was like 3 octaves higher than normal and I was practically out of breath. All this because I'm so elated and you can't hear my voice but I have what has been called a Cassandra Wilson voice ( I am definitely very flattered when I hear that). I definitely have a lower register, so for me to be 3 octaves higher is a big deal. But wait there's more..the woman I did a short film with/for a couple of weeks ago asked me to be in her new film. Do you see how every sentence could potentially have an exclamation point at the end of it? I was so happy. She is so amazing to work with, she just has great energy, a wonderful artist. I am feeling so blessed by all the wonderful things happening I could spontaneously ignite.
So all these wonderful things are happening and I am so grateful for them. I feel like all these shifts are happening in my life. One shift, or revelation I had I have to share. It was a big deal for me and a huge turning point. I will not get into the particulars becuase ultimately that is not what matters its the act I took and the choice I made. I had an opportunity to extend myself for someone or choose myself and my piece of mind. I am a caretaker by nature, I have put people up in my house for extended (I mean extended!) periods of time, I give of my time and money etc food definitely. And Lord knows I have supported more than one boyfriend in my lifetime! None of that is wrong or bad, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or anyone thinks you somehow owe them. I love that aspect of myself and would not change that. But this time I became keenly aware of what I really needed and wanted AND how much I was willingly to give without feeling resentful. So I decided to choose myself and I politely declined. This was so huge for me I can't begin to tell you! It was such a shift for me to realize I could choose myself. Also if anyone got angry because they're used to me being another way well that would be good for me to know.
I recently watched a movie called Defending your Life, if you have not seen it I think it's worthwhile to do so. I love Albert Brooks, I think he is brilliant as a writer, actor, what have you and he's funny. I have so much respect for writer/actors/directors etc. Also Meryl Streep is in it and she is just magnificent to watch, she is pure magic. Anyway something struck me that was said in the movie. Albert Brooks character was told that he was stingy with some people in his life and he said who? And he was answered well you were stingy with yourself. This struck me s clearly I heard it so loudly. Now I am not saying don't be giving to people or anything like that. It is so important to be of service to the people in your life or to the community etc. But if you don't give to yourself first, you can't give from a loving place of I am strong and full.
The flip side of giving is receiving and both are so important. Both to and from yourself and to and from others. Today I watched someone who was complaining about how everything was going wrong in their life, and how this and that was bad and the world is ending, no one is nice and life sucks and job and blah blah. I was struggling to keep the energy from being sucked out of my body. But then, and this was so eye-opening for me, I watched this same person get offered a coffee 4 times and turn it down 4 times. She then proceeded to go buy her own coffee and the order was messed up and she complained about it, but when we coaxed her to have them change it said nah it's okay but continued to complain! I was floored, honestly, floored. I was so grateful to be fully present for that because how many times have I done that or some version of that? Not so much in a long time because I am really aware of my speech and I am constantly learning to be more conscious etc. But of course I slip sometimes and it was extraordinary to watch someone creating this reality of doom and gloom. But mostly I was keenly aware of this person not accepting what the universe was trying to give her. I know I have been guilty of that.
In truth giving and receiving is are the same in the universe. But if you only receive i.e. take, that's not cool and if you only give you are depriving someone of the joy of giving to you. The thing is and this is the amazing thing I learned recently when I chose me, you also have to give to yourself! So I am grateful to have had this amazing lesson played out right in front of me and to be aware of it and not join in on the world is ending band wagon. I mean you know we're all human and we have bitching sessions from time to time, and hopefully they become rarer and rarer. But we really don't help each other when we join in and help each other further create that reality. So I am going to go bed and see if I can catch my commercial on TV! Great things are on the horizon and I am exhilarated.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Life is Delicious!
I am having a delicious day. Not without it's setbacks and minor trials but delicious nonetheless. I had a very rare day off and I am trying to somehow slowly get back into what could be called a normal sleep pattern. My insomnia is off the charts these days with Tuesday being no exception I was able to boast 3 whole hours, 2 of which occurred in the middle of the day. Even though exhausted I could not go to sleep tuesday evening until 3:30am, but I did mange to eke out 6 hours. I am not sure exactly what is keeping me up, I don't mean the obvious i.e. things to do, but rather is there something I'm stressed about-yes- rent or something else? I think I know what it is and will tie it into the post title. Something very wonderful is happening and I can feel it. It's a little like being a little kid on Christmas and barely being able to go to sleep because you just can't wait for it to be morning. Yet you know if you don't go to sleep it'll feel like forever until morning comes. So ultimately you go to sleep because if you do morning will come faster.
I have had a delicious week and it is only the middle! Okay what is making it so delicious? What is in the air that is keeping me awake at night?!!? I honestly don't know but things are shifting in my life and I have just been having faith. I had a great audition/interview yesterday and today. I met an amazing casting director through the interview yesterday and an amazing director/writer/actor today. I just love being around creative people. So today I have a wonderful meeting with this director, he's speaking my language, I feel comfortable even though I was 15 minutes late. Which, by the way, is a no-no and also not my style. I felt comfortable for two reasons one the vibe in the room was awesome and you could just relax into it. But also I was praying the whole time up to it. I was trying to be calm and assume everything happens the way its supposed to etc etc.
It was interesting because this is the second audition I've had in two days that were downtown near the World Trade Center. Now I guess I may have been more freaked out if I knew I had left late and/or not been in the right frame of mind. But the other thing may be, it's hard to be down at that site or around it and not realize whatever you think is important at this moment, whatever you're fretting about is probably not what you would want your last thoughts to be. In the grand scheme of things it's not the, God I have paused for 10 minutes not wanting to say, it's not the end of the world. Because, well, I think you know why. Being down there you get a perspective on your life and get really grateful to be alive. Whenever I go downtown I give myself ample time because I am useless when I get to the name streets. I have no idea what or where I am going and, I deeply want one of those car GPS systems attached to me. I am not kidding, I don't want just a hand held GPS, I want something that talks to me and tells me what direction to go and whether I am going in the wrong direction. I grew up on the upper west side and I need a grid, people, I need a grid! I first not only managed to go past my stop and which of course meant I had to go right back up. But then I went the wrong direction and around the site which meant I had to retrace my steps because, there is no way to go through, obviously.
I didn't really put it together until much later and it dawned on me that I feel like this to some degree whenever I am downtown. I just feel kind of lost. I grew up with the Towers and I don't know where I am downtown without the them. I could always figure out where I was in relation to the Towers. You're either east or west of them or north or south of them. I had a similiar sensation when I was on the ferry to Staten island a couple of years back. I was looking back at the city as we moved away from it I was mildly hyperventilating and having separation anxiety because, well I was going to Staten Island and that in and of itself is a reason to feel fear. But as I was looking at the city, I felt like it didn't look like my city. I felt a pang and a loss for the landscape I had known all my life. It is always a revelation to realize how much I'm still affected even in the simplest of ways.
It ties into my day in that I try to always be aware of what I have to be grateful for. So I meet this wonderful director who was gracious about my tardiness and meanwhile it's so humid my hair is expanding by the millisecond. As my Mother would put it, when it's trying to take over Manhattan. In truth whether I get to be a part of the project or not, when you meet great people who are doing the kind of work you want to do, that is the universe saying to you you're on the right track. That, my friend, is delicious!! So I'm on my way back uptown and the train is taking forever, as I said and just illustrated this day was not without it's trials, I feel moved to write the director a thank you email, which I do not always do. So later in the midst of writing the email, the casting director/producer of the TV show I interviewed for yesterday calls me and asks me to go in tomorrow and Friday to test with other people!! Holla!! So I'm floating on cloud nine, mind you I am just grateful for the chance to see these people and to be called back etc. That's how you know you're in the right profession or place, the joy to just be able to have the opportunity. So, on top of that,I go to the gym for a gym date with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever and and when I come back I got an email from the director today saying he'll be in touch with me next week! If today was an apple or a peach I would just bite into it, seriously I would. I'm just riding the wave and honestly I am elated. Now I would just like to add rested to the dossier. Ciao.
I have had a delicious week and it is only the middle! Okay what is making it so delicious? What is in the air that is keeping me awake at night?!!? I honestly don't know but things are shifting in my life and I have just been having faith. I had a great audition/interview yesterday and today. I met an amazing casting director through the interview yesterday and an amazing director/writer/actor today. I just love being around creative people. So today I have a wonderful meeting with this director, he's speaking my language, I feel comfortable even though I was 15 minutes late. Which, by the way, is a no-no and also not my style. I felt comfortable for two reasons one the vibe in the room was awesome and you could just relax into it. But also I was praying the whole time up to it. I was trying to be calm and assume everything happens the way its supposed to etc etc.
It was interesting because this is the second audition I've had in two days that were downtown near the World Trade Center. Now I guess I may have been more freaked out if I knew I had left late and/or not been in the right frame of mind. But the other thing may be, it's hard to be down at that site or around it and not realize whatever you think is important at this moment, whatever you're fretting about is probably not what you would want your last thoughts to be. In the grand scheme of things it's not the, God I have paused for 10 minutes not wanting to say, it's not the end of the world. Because, well, I think you know why. Being down there you get a perspective on your life and get really grateful to be alive. Whenever I go downtown I give myself ample time because I am useless when I get to the name streets. I have no idea what or where I am going and, I deeply want one of those car GPS systems attached to me. I am not kidding, I don't want just a hand held GPS, I want something that talks to me and tells me what direction to go and whether I am going in the wrong direction. I grew up on the upper west side and I need a grid, people, I need a grid! I first not only managed to go past my stop and which of course meant I had to go right back up. But then I went the wrong direction and around the site which meant I had to retrace my steps because, there is no way to go through, obviously.
I didn't really put it together until much later and it dawned on me that I feel like this to some degree whenever I am downtown. I just feel kind of lost. I grew up with the Towers and I don't know where I am downtown without the them. I could always figure out where I was in relation to the Towers. You're either east or west of them or north or south of them. I had a similiar sensation when I was on the ferry to Staten island a couple of years back. I was looking back at the city as we moved away from it I was mildly hyperventilating and having separation anxiety because, well I was going to Staten Island and that in and of itself is a reason to feel fear. But as I was looking at the city, I felt like it didn't look like my city. I felt a pang and a loss for the landscape I had known all my life. It is always a revelation to realize how much I'm still affected even in the simplest of ways.
It ties into my day in that I try to always be aware of what I have to be grateful for. So I meet this wonderful director who was gracious about my tardiness and meanwhile it's so humid my hair is expanding by the millisecond. As my Mother would put it, when it's trying to take over Manhattan. In truth whether I get to be a part of the project or not, when you meet great people who are doing the kind of work you want to do, that is the universe saying to you you're on the right track. That, my friend, is delicious!! So I'm on my way back uptown and the train is taking forever, as I said and just illustrated this day was not without it's trials, I feel moved to write the director a thank you email, which I do not always do. So later in the midst of writing the email, the casting director/producer of the TV show I interviewed for yesterday calls me and asks me to go in tomorrow and Friday to test with other people!! Holla!! So I'm floating on cloud nine, mind you I am just grateful for the chance to see these people and to be called back etc. That's how you know you're in the right profession or place, the joy to just be able to have the opportunity. So, on top of that,I go to the gym for a gym date with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever and and when I come back I got an email from the director today saying he'll be in touch with me next week! If today was an apple or a peach I would just bite into it, seriously I would. I'm just riding the wave and honestly I am elated. Now I would just like to add rested to the dossier. Ciao.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Choices
As I sat down to write this blog I was talking to myself, shockingly, here's where we all pretend to be surprised. Yeah, yeah and here's where I say- don't pretend like you don't. It's just the degree to which we talk to ourselves that differentiates our levels of crazy. There's mildly crazy, some commentary, simply a few words here or there, reminding yourself to pick up toilet paper (why is that one so hard to remember?!? honestly though its annoying, can I get a witness?) or asking yourself where you placed your keys. To full blown crazy i.e. you're having a full on conversation at the grocery store but no one else but me is near you and I'm knee deep in my own conversation, but you're distracting me. Okay maybe my conversation was internal and hers not so much. But we all talk to ourselves. So I was saying to myself how happy I am to have choices. Even choices as to what title to give my blog, or what tea I'd like to have or will I watch Army wives or Entourage first after my late night shower ( I wake up too early in the morning to even consider it any other time).
We have so many choices and it's such a wonderful thing because our choices don't stop at what program or tea to watch. Rather they continue and I'd really like to think begin with, what kind of life would I like to have? What kind of person do I want to be? How will I establish my boundaries and yet still be a kind person? How much is too much to give and how much is too little? How do I want to steer my career? Or careers? What kind of woman, daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, student, human being, spirit do I choose to be? None of these are mutually exclusive and yet are all aspects of who I am, was and will be. The best part is I get to choose who I am, who I'm going to be and I also get to choose who I was. Qoui? You may ask, what how can you choose who you were? Well I get to choose the lens through which I view the past. That is if I'm dead set on looking at the past instead of the ever delicious present. I can judge myself and others and decide that i was stupid or they were stupid or malicious or unkind or that I was malicious or unkind or foolish and naive. I mean there are hundreds of ways of interpreting the past, the present and the future.
Right now I'm working on the idea that if I get to choose, why don't I choose to believe that if I knew better or had all the facts I would make better choices (there's that word again) or if I believed in myself more or had better self esteem or less it doesn't matter really because it's over. The past that is, you can certainly learn from the past, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Just like you don't or rather didn't have the facts other people didn't have the facts either or their new self today is better for having walked all over you or misjudged your worth. (Whoops a little bitterness slipped in there) Or for the people you didn't value or instead of looking at any of it poorly. How about how strong you become because of "wrong" choices? How you are so keenly aware now? How you really value yourself and your talents? Your ability to give or to now discern and get up to speed a little faster. Baby steps, baby steps. But what if you look at your past with a joy and wonderment of wow I survived that, or hmmm interesting choice that led me down an ultimately fruitless path or was it? Is the path fruitless if you learned something about yourself, about others, about love or lack of it?
And really thank God for the choice in the first place! I rather have the choice to make mistakes or make lovely synchronicitous events occur because of excellent choices. All I know is where I am in my life right now, the good, the bad, the slightly crazy is a result of all the choices I've made and I love where I am and where I'm headed. So I can choose to look back and see roses that bloomed in the cow *bleep*. It's beautiful, it's rich in hue, luscious in fragrance and vibrancy and yes there are thorns and I wouldn't have it any other way.
We have so many choices and it's such a wonderful thing because our choices don't stop at what program or tea to watch. Rather they continue and I'd really like to think begin with, what kind of life would I like to have? What kind of person do I want to be? How will I establish my boundaries and yet still be a kind person? How much is too much to give and how much is too little? How do I want to steer my career? Or careers? What kind of woman, daughter, mother, lover, wife, girlfriend, student, human being, spirit do I choose to be? None of these are mutually exclusive and yet are all aspects of who I am, was and will be. The best part is I get to choose who I am, who I'm going to be and I also get to choose who I was. Qoui? You may ask, what how can you choose who you were? Well I get to choose the lens through which I view the past. That is if I'm dead set on looking at the past instead of the ever delicious present. I can judge myself and others and decide that i was stupid or they were stupid or malicious or unkind or that I was malicious or unkind or foolish and naive. I mean there are hundreds of ways of interpreting the past, the present and the future.
Right now I'm working on the idea that if I get to choose, why don't I choose to believe that if I knew better or had all the facts I would make better choices (there's that word again) or if I believed in myself more or had better self esteem or less it doesn't matter really because it's over. The past that is, you can certainly learn from the past, the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Just like you don't or rather didn't have the facts other people didn't have the facts either or their new self today is better for having walked all over you or misjudged your worth. (Whoops a little bitterness slipped in there) Or for the people you didn't value or instead of looking at any of it poorly. How about how strong you become because of "wrong" choices? How you are so keenly aware now? How you really value yourself and your talents? Your ability to give or to now discern and get up to speed a little faster. Baby steps, baby steps. But what if you look at your past with a joy and wonderment of wow I survived that, or hmmm interesting choice that led me down an ultimately fruitless path or was it? Is the path fruitless if you learned something about yourself, about others, about love or lack of it?
And really thank God for the choice in the first place! I rather have the choice to make mistakes or make lovely synchronicitous events occur because of excellent choices. All I know is where I am in my life right now, the good, the bad, the slightly crazy is a result of all the choices I've made and I love where I am and where I'm headed. So I can choose to look back and see roses that bloomed in the cow *bleep*. It's beautiful, it's rich in hue, luscious in fragrance and vibrancy and yes there are thorns and I wouldn't have it any other way.
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