Goodness Gracious!

So I'm getting ready for a banner day tomorrow. The trinity of an audition, a callback and a go-see. I am psyched but it does take some planning. How can you dress for 3 separate and different looks without trucking a big bag all day and on top of that gym clothes. So I am puttering about my house, writing, watching TV (looking for my commercial), getting my clothes together, hair etc. Composing my new Fit Chic blog, that I'm remiss on getting back. I'm planning my meals, what I'm gonna do at the gym tomorrow and what have you but I'm mostly I'm going over these roles I received sides for. I'm sort of doing all these things but as each of these women. It's really fun. I love trying on a new pair of shoes so to speak. That is what drew me to acting the first place. I was really shy and still am for the most part. You have to look beneath the veneer of social creature I have donned and is of course one of my sides. I almost wrote one of my personalities but people usually get scared by that. And the personality of mine that is very conservative said "Don't write that people will think you're crazy". Of course Katerina thinks I should say whatever pops in my head. Whoops, did I let one out?

Of course as usual I am amusing myself. And anyone really close to me knows I'm also not joking. I think we all have many facets to our personalties and it's best to embrace them. Even the dark side, because as you know "What you resist, persists". I had a marvelous day. I trained my clients today and I found myself drawn to church (Times Square Church". I hadn't been in about a month, although I'm always listening to spiritual podcasts be them Christian in nature, Gnostic (which is more truly Christian than most realize), New Age or whatever. But I was really moved to go and I was trying to figure out when and which service to go to, because I had to get to the gym (I had already used up my two "rest" days) and various other things. So I was greatly moved to go the 3pm service. The whole time I'm figuring I'll just go to the worship part and then go to the gym. So I get there and I'm singing and it's fabulous. Later when the preaching is about to start, I'm lamenting that I'm 5 people into the row, I'm not really going to get up and get out so I bargain with myself that I'll wait until they finish showing the video.

Well, guess what the video was about? The mission to Burundi that I ultimately did not go on but my that contemplating spurred a deeper connection with my Father and my upcoming trip to Tanzania! So I'm just floored, I'm essentially looking at the land I will be in in 13 days. i was so moved and I was just sitting there so excited with tears in my eyes. Not just for the excitement but just for the land, the people, the continent, the beauty. So that was wonderful and after the video there were just various people coming up and talking about the trip. There was also singing in the native Kurundi. IT was fantastic!! So I didn't have to sit through a sermon, which by the way I usually love, they have great Pastors but I just wasn't in the mood. It was essentially ordered up for me the perfect experience. If I wasn't already so excited, there it was for me my trip ahead. So I am really filled with joy about the trip, not the mosquitoes I will encounter but rather everything else. I'm also very concerned about the coffee situation as in will I be able to have some and with what water will they brew it? Because I am not going to Africa and sitting around sick if you get me. But I will not put too much attention on any of that. I'm going to see my Father and my sister and brother that I've never met 5 and 8 respectively!!

so I will continue doing my puttering about and getting ready for a really lovely day tomorrow. I have to get my Visa and malaria pill description. Damn I hate taking pills but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just love that I had such a lovely day because I listened to that still voice inside me. How glorious is that? Oh I got this wonderful quote today from one of the many motivational, inspirational emails I get daily and I will leave you with that. Ciao.

"I am who I choose to be. I always have been what I chose - though not always what I pleased."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Boom shaka laka boom

I am freaking going crazy with joy!! I am getting message from friends and family about a commercial I did a few months back. Apparently it is now airing and I am so happy because that's exposure!! Also I had a callback yesterday and a double callback today. Ok if I don't keep it together every sentence is going to have an exclamation point at the end of it. I also have an audition on Monday, as well as a callback and a go-see! I was telling one of my clients all this and my voice was like 3 octaves higher than normal and I was practically out of breath. All this because I'm so elated and you can't hear my voice but I have what has been called a Cassandra Wilson voice ( I am definitely very flattered when I hear that). I definitely have a lower register, so for me to be 3 octaves higher is a big deal. But wait there's more..the woman I did a short film with/for a couple of weeks ago asked me to be in her new film. Do you see how every sentence could potentially have an exclamation point at the end of it? I was so happy. She is so amazing to work with, she just has great energy, a wonderful artist. I am feeling so blessed by all the wonderful things happening I could spontaneously ignite.

So all these wonderful things are happening and I am so grateful for them. I feel like all these shifts are happening in my life. One shift, or revelation I had I have to share. It was a big deal for me and a huge turning point. I will not get into the particulars becuase ultimately that is not what matters its the act I took and the choice I made. I had an opportunity to extend myself for someone or choose myself and my piece of mind. I am a caretaker by nature, I have put people up in my house for extended (I mean extended!) periods of time, I give of my time and money etc food definitely. And Lord knows I have supported more than one boyfriend in my lifetime! None of that is wrong or bad, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or anyone thinks you somehow owe them. I love that aspect of myself and would not change that. But this time I became keenly aware of what I really needed and wanted AND how much I was willingly to give without feeling resentful. So I decided to choose myself and I politely declined. This was so huge for me I can't begin to tell you! It was such a shift for me to realize I could choose myself. Also if anyone got angry because they're used to me being another way well that would be good for me to know.

I recently watched a movie called Defending your Life, if you have not seen it I think it's worthwhile to do so. I love Albert Brooks, I think he is brilliant as a writer, actor, what have you and he's funny. I have so much respect for writer/actors/directors etc. Also Meryl Streep is in it and she is just magnificent to watch, she is pure magic. Anyway something struck me that was said in the movie. Albert Brooks character was told that he was stingy with some people in his life and he said who? And he was answered well you were stingy with yourself. This struck me s clearly I heard it so loudly. Now I am not saying don't be giving to people or anything like that. It is so important to be of service to the people in your life or to the community etc. But if you don't give to yourself first, you can't give from a loving place of I am strong and full.

The flip side of giving is receiving and both are so important. Both to and from yourself and to and from others. Today I watched someone who was complaining about how everything was going wrong in their life, and how this and that was bad and the world is ending, no one is nice and life sucks and job and blah blah. I was struggling to keep the energy from being sucked out of my body. But then, and this was so eye-opening for me, I watched this same person get offered a coffee 4 times and turn it down 4 times. She then proceeded to go buy her own coffee and the order was messed up and she complained about it, but when we coaxed her to have them change it said nah it's okay but continued to complain! I was floored, honestly, floored. I was so grateful to be fully present for that because how many times have I done that or some version of that? Not so much in a long time because I am really aware of my speech and I am constantly learning to be more conscious etc. But of course I slip sometimes and it was extraordinary to watch someone creating this reality of doom and gloom. But mostly I was keenly aware of this person not accepting what the universe was trying to give her. I know I have been guilty of that.

In truth giving and receiving is are the same in the universe. But if you only receive i.e. take, that's not cool and if you only give you are depriving someone of the joy of giving to you. The thing is and this is the amazing thing I learned recently when I chose me, you also have to give to yourself! So I am grateful to have had this amazing lesson played out right in front of me and to be aware of it and not join in on the world is ending band wagon. I mean you know we're all human and we have bitching sessions from time to time, and hopefully they become rarer and rarer. But we really don't help each other when we join in and help each other further create that reality. So I am going to go bed and see if I can catch my commercial on TV! Great things are on the horizon and I am exhilarated.

Life is Delicious!

I am having a delicious day. Not without it's setbacks and minor trials but delicious nonetheless. I had a very rare day off and I am trying to somehow slowly get back into what could be called a normal sleep pattern. My insomnia is off the charts these days with Tuesday being no exception I was able to boast 3 whole hours, 2 of which occurred in the middle of the day. Even though exhausted I could not go to sleep tuesday evening until 3:30am, but I did mange to eke out 6 hours. I am not sure exactly what is keeping me up, I don't mean the obvious i.e. things to do, but rather is there something I'm stressed about-yes- rent or something else? I think I know what it is and will tie it into the post title. Something very wonderful is happening and I can feel it. It's a little like being a little kid on Christmas and barely being able to go to sleep because you just can't wait for it to be morning. Yet you know if you don't go to sleep it'll feel like forever until morning comes. So ultimately you go to sleep because if you do morning will come faster.

I have had a delicious week and it is only the middle! Okay what is making it so delicious? What is in the air that is keeping me awake at night?!!? I honestly don't know but things are shifting in my life and I have just been having faith. I had a great audition/interview yesterday and today. I met an amazing casting director through the interview yesterday and an amazing director/writer/actor today. I just love being around creative people. So today I have a wonderful meeting with this director, he's speaking my language, I feel comfortable even though I was 15 minutes late. Which, by the way, is a no-no and also not my style. I felt comfortable for two reasons one the vibe in the room was awesome and you could just relax into it. But also I was praying the whole time up to it. I was trying to be calm and assume everything happens the way its supposed to etc etc.

It was interesting because this is the second audition I've had in two days that were downtown near the World Trade Center. Now I guess I may have been more freaked out if I knew I had left late and/or not been in the right frame of mind. But the other thing may be, it's hard to be down at that site or around it and not realize whatever you think is important at this moment, whatever you're fretting about is probably not what you would want your last thoughts to be. In the grand scheme of things it's not the, God I have paused for 10 minutes not wanting to say, it's not the end of the world. Because, well, I think you know why. Being down there you get a perspective on your life and get really grateful to be alive. Whenever I go downtown I give myself ample time because I am useless when I get to the name streets. I have no idea what or where I am going and, I deeply want one of those car GPS systems attached to me. I am not kidding, I don't want just a hand held GPS, I want something that talks to me and tells me what direction to go and whether I am going in the wrong direction. I grew up on the upper west side and I need a grid, people, I need a grid! I first not only managed to go past my stop and which of course meant I had to go right back up. But then I went the wrong direction and around the site which meant I had to retrace my steps because, there is no way to go through, obviously.

I didn't really put it together until much later and it dawned on me that I feel like this to some degree whenever I am downtown. I just feel kind of lost. I grew up with the Towers and I don't know where I am downtown without the them. I could always figure out where I was in relation to the Towers. You're either east or west of them or north or south of them. I had a similiar sensation when I was on the ferry to Staten island a couple of years back. I was looking back at the city as we moved away from it I was mildly hyperventilating and having separation anxiety because, well I was going to Staten Island and that in and of itself is a reason to feel fear. But as I was looking at the city, I felt like it didn't look like my city. I felt a pang and a loss for the landscape I had known all my life. It is always a revelation to realize how much I'm still affected even in the simplest of ways.

It ties into my day in that I try to always be aware of what I have to be grateful for. So I meet this wonderful director who was gracious about my tardiness and meanwhile it's so humid my hair is expanding by the millisecond. As my Mother would put it, when it's trying to take over Manhattan. In truth whether I get to be a part of the project or not, when you meet great people who are doing the kind of work you want to do, that is the universe saying to you you're on the right track. That, my friend, is delicious!! So I'm on my way back uptown and the train is taking forever, as I said and just illustrated this day was not without it's trials, I feel moved to write the director a thank you email, which I do not always do. So later in the midst of writing the email, the casting director/producer of the TV show I interviewed for yesterday calls me and asks me to go in tomorrow and Friday to test with other people!! Holla!! So I'm floating on cloud nine, mind you I am just grateful for the chance to see these people and to be called back etc. That's how you know you're in the right profession or place, the joy to just be able to have the opportunity. So, on top of that,I go to the gym for a gym date with a girlfriend I haven't seen in forever and and when I come back I got an email from the director today saying he'll be in touch with me next week! If today was an apple or a peach I would just bite into it, seriously I would. I'm just riding the wave and honestly I am elated. Now I would just like to add rested to the dossier. Ciao.

Thriving Thursday

Alright I've decided to just give in and indulge my love of the alliteration. Why fight it? They come easily to me and rather than sitting here racking my brain for a clever non alliterative post title I figure go with the flow don't fight it young lady! So It was a great Thursday even though I was boasting very little sleep. I was so tired last night but I could not go to sleep to save my life. I guess I get caught up in the various things I have to do and then my brain starts running rampant and wind down time and...you see where this is going don't you. Honestly I sometimes find myself very exhausting. But luckily I love myself so I choose to not break up with me. Instead I choose to accept my faults and instead resolve to give up coffee for the umpteenth time. The problem is I don't have many vices I don't really drink, smoke or do any other fun stuff. Adam Ants song don't drink, don't smoke what do you do, flitters across my brain. And like that with one fell swoop I just aged myself or professed a scary love for 80's music, either way I'm not telling. But I feel almost like I have to have a vice and sadly insomnia does not seem to qualify. Ah phooey, and there it is I'm truly a nerd and hence the need for a vice. I mean who says phooey other me?... and my fellow nerdians.

So I will start a new paragraph to see if I can escape the diatribe that ran away with me above. I had two auditions today and as of this posting I have been cast in one of the roles! Yeehaw! The film is called "Canine Custody" and I play an attorney for the husband who is trying to gain custody of the beloved dog. One of the wonderful aspects to getting this job, outside of the fact that the portion of the script I have read (I am awaiting its entirety) is excellent and the lead actress/producer was really just so kind and gracious, but the crowning part is they were looking to cast a man for the role at first and the role I had originally submitted for was cast before I was able to audition! Ergo and forthwith and what not, they changed the role to a woman after seeing me. I am feeling so blessed at this moment I am full of joy!!!

Alright, I am sooo happy and its a comedy. I love comedy as you may know if you've been with me for any period of time, I am a self proclaimed sitcom whore. What can I say, give me a good, well written sitcom with actors with superb comedic timing and I am riveted. My favorites at the moment are "Girlfriends", "Dharma and Greg" and always "Scrubs" but I am taking a hiatus from "Scrubs" because they only show a limited release of seasons and I can quote entire episodes, okay so I exaggerate but I don't want to overload on them, kind of like too much good chocolate it would be a shame to overindulge. One of my dreams is to be on Scrubs which would be great considering it's their last season coming up and I believe filming begins in August. well I just put it out there in the universe and who knows. No matter what I would love to work with several of the cast members in the future. So I also went on a go-see for Makari cosmetics today. I didn't meet the height requirements but as the job I got today testifies you never know, just stay open and appreciative for the opportunity to be seen and to even be doing what you love. Lord knows I am and they said they needed someone, an actress with teleprompter experience for future projects and well I'm your lady. So I will end on this positive note. I want to go read my script... we film on Monday and rehearse on Saturday and I have another audition tomorrow...Hallelujah! Life is truly delicious.

Bringing it Back

Going to see the fireworks tomorrow at a friends house, party etc then I've been invited to Guest House and it seems wed nights are the night to go out so...I may have to swing by. So I've got a bunch of auditions coming up this week and we start filming again on the show, "Tempting Joanna". Talk about answered prayers I was feeling a little like things were getting slow and then bam 3 auditions came up today and a go-see from one my agents. Yeehaw very happy about that. Acting is truly where my heart is and it is definitely a career that constantly tests my faith. I'm appreciative to have a love, acting that is, that puts me constantly in a place of having to have faith, to be in the moment and still have to plan to keep things in motion whilst releasing expectation! It's like a weird, wonderful, wild spiritual metaphysical way of living wrapped up in a career. I have no idea if that makes any sense but it is really a wonderful challenge and I obviously love it, shoot, you gotta in this business.

So I'm thinking about last year this time and I am so grateful for how my life has changed!! I can't begin to sing out how happy I am for where my life is and the very awesome people I have for friends, the work I'm getting, the auditions, I am so happy. What's really interesting is being happy or rather joyful even when having doubt's and wistful moments but choosing to see all the blessings. I know it may sound hokey but it's really where I am. It's really kinda neat to be in that head space. I think I'm gonna take myself to the movie's tomorrow after my run and yoga see if i can't undo all that good work with a vat of soda and a trough of popcorn. Honestly though if it takes two hands to lift up the soda haven't we gone too far!?! Not that I should talk I plan my meals around a movie day. You have to figure out how to reconcile a 1000 calories worth of soda and god only knows of popcorn. Alright I guess I'll have to run and do the elliptical tomorrow...oh wait and I'm going dancing tomorrow score! Excellent it's settled then. Sweet dreams, ciao.