Goodness Gracious!

So I'm getting ready for a banner day tomorrow. The trinity of an audition, a callback and a go-see. I am psyched but it does take some planning. How can you dress for 3 separate and different looks without trucking a big bag all day and on top of that gym clothes. So I am puttering about my house, writing, watching TV (looking for my commercial), getting my clothes together, hair etc. Composing my new Fit Chic blog, that I'm remiss on getting back. I'm planning my meals, what I'm gonna do at the gym tomorrow and what have you but I'm mostly I'm going over these roles I received sides for. I'm sort of doing all these things but as each of these women. It's really fun. I love trying on a new pair of shoes so to speak. That is what drew me to acting the first place. I was really shy and still am for the most part. You have to look beneath the veneer of social creature I have donned and is of course one of my sides. I almost wrote one of my personalities but people usually get scared by that. And the personality of mine that is very conservative said "Don't write that people will think you're crazy". Of course Katerina thinks I should say whatever pops in my head. Whoops, did I let one out?

Of course as usual I am amusing myself. And anyone really close to me knows I'm also not joking. I think we all have many facets to our personalties and it's best to embrace them. Even the dark side, because as you know "What you resist, persists". I had a marvelous day. I trained my clients today and I found myself drawn to church (Times Square Church". I hadn't been in about a month, although I'm always listening to spiritual podcasts be them Christian in nature, Gnostic (which is more truly Christian than most realize), New Age or whatever. But I was really moved to go and I was trying to figure out when and which service to go to, because I had to get to the gym (I had already used up my two "rest" days) and various other things. So I was greatly moved to go the 3pm service. The whole time I'm figuring I'll just go to the worship part and then go to the gym. So I get there and I'm singing and it's fabulous. Later when the preaching is about to start, I'm lamenting that I'm 5 people into the row, I'm not really going to get up and get out so I bargain with myself that I'll wait until they finish showing the video.

Well, guess what the video was about? The mission to Burundi that I ultimately did not go on but my that contemplating spurred a deeper connection with my Father and my upcoming trip to Tanzania! So I'm just floored, I'm essentially looking at the land I will be in in 13 days. i was so moved and I was just sitting there so excited with tears in my eyes. Not just for the excitement but just for the land, the people, the continent, the beauty. So that was wonderful and after the video there were just various people coming up and talking about the trip. There was also singing in the native Kurundi. IT was fantastic!! So I didn't have to sit through a sermon, which by the way I usually love, they have great Pastors but I just wasn't in the mood. It was essentially ordered up for me the perfect experience. If I wasn't already so excited, there it was for me my trip ahead. So I am really filled with joy about the trip, not the mosquitoes I will encounter but rather everything else. I'm also very concerned about the coffee situation as in will I be able to have some and with what water will they brew it? Because I am not going to Africa and sitting around sick if you get me. But I will not put too much attention on any of that. I'm going to see my Father and my sister and brother that I've never met 5 and 8 respectively!!

so I will continue doing my puttering about and getting ready for a really lovely day tomorrow. I have to get my Visa and malaria pill description. Damn I hate taking pills but you gotta do what you gotta do. I just love that I had such a lovely day because I listened to that still voice inside me. How glorious is that? Oh I got this wonderful quote today from one of the many motivational, inspirational emails I get daily and I will leave you with that. Ciao.

"I am who I choose to be. I always have been what I chose - though not always what I pleased."

Lois McMaster Bujold

Boom shaka laka boom

I am freaking going crazy with joy!! I am getting message from friends and family about a commercial I did a few months back. Apparently it is now airing and I am so happy because that's exposure!! Also I had a callback yesterday and a double callback today. Ok if I don't keep it together every sentence is going to have an exclamation point at the end of it. I also have an audition on Monday, as well as a callback and a go-see! I was telling one of my clients all this and my voice was like 3 octaves higher than normal and I was practically out of breath. All this because I'm so elated and you can't hear my voice but I have what has been called a Cassandra Wilson voice ( I am definitely very flattered when I hear that). I definitely have a lower register, so for me to be 3 octaves higher is a big deal. But wait there's more..the woman I did a short film with/for a couple of weeks ago asked me to be in her new film. Do you see how every sentence could potentially have an exclamation point at the end of it? I was so happy. She is so amazing to work with, she just has great energy, a wonderful artist. I am feeling so blessed by all the wonderful things happening I could spontaneously ignite.

So all these wonderful things are happening and I am so grateful for them. I feel like all these shifts are happening in my life. One shift, or revelation I had I have to share. It was a big deal for me and a huge turning point. I will not get into the particulars becuase ultimately that is not what matters its the act I took and the choice I made. I had an opportunity to extend myself for someone or choose myself and my piece of mind. I am a caretaker by nature, I have put people up in my house for extended (I mean extended!) periods of time, I give of my time and money etc food definitely. And Lord knows I have supported more than one boyfriend in my lifetime! None of that is wrong or bad, as long as you're not being taken advantage of or anyone thinks you somehow owe them. I love that aspect of myself and would not change that. But this time I became keenly aware of what I really needed and wanted AND how much I was willingly to give without feeling resentful. So I decided to choose myself and I politely declined. This was so huge for me I can't begin to tell you! It was such a shift for me to realize I could choose myself. Also if anyone got angry because they're used to me being another way well that would be good for me to know.

I recently watched a movie called Defending your Life, if you have not seen it I think it's worthwhile to do so. I love Albert Brooks, I think he is brilliant as a writer, actor, what have you and he's funny. I have so much respect for writer/actors/directors etc. Also Meryl Streep is in it and she is just magnificent to watch, she is pure magic. Anyway something struck me that was said in the movie. Albert Brooks character was told that he was stingy with some people in his life and he said who? And he was answered well you were stingy with yourself. This struck me s clearly I heard it so loudly. Now I am not saying don't be giving to people or anything like that. It is so important to be of service to the people in your life or to the community etc. But if you don't give to yourself first, you can't give from a loving place of I am strong and full.

The flip side of giving is receiving and both are so important. Both to and from yourself and to and from others. Today I watched someone who was complaining about how everything was going wrong in their life, and how this and that was bad and the world is ending, no one is nice and life sucks and job and blah blah. I was struggling to keep the energy from being sucked out of my body. But then, and this was so eye-opening for me, I watched this same person get offered a coffee 4 times and turn it down 4 times. She then proceeded to go buy her own coffee and the order was messed up and she complained about it, but when we coaxed her to have them change it said nah it's okay but continued to complain! I was floored, honestly, floored. I was so grateful to be fully present for that because how many times have I done that or some version of that? Not so much in a long time because I am really aware of my speech and I am constantly learning to be more conscious etc. But of course I slip sometimes and it was extraordinary to watch someone creating this reality of doom and gloom. But mostly I was keenly aware of this person not accepting what the universe was trying to give her. I know I have been guilty of that.

In truth giving and receiving is are the same in the universe. But if you only receive i.e. take, that's not cool and if you only give you are depriving someone of the joy of giving to you. The thing is and this is the amazing thing I learned recently when I chose me, you also have to give to yourself! So I am grateful to have had this amazing lesson played out right in front of me and to be aware of it and not join in on the world is ending band wagon. I mean you know we're all human and we have bitching sessions from time to time, and hopefully they become rarer and rarer. But we really don't help each other when we join in and help each other further create that reality. So I am going to go bed and see if I can catch my commercial on TV! Great things are on the horizon and I am exhilarated.

Bringing it Back

Going to see the fireworks tomorrow at a friends house, party etc then I've been invited to Guest House and it seems wed nights are the night to go out so...I may have to swing by. So I've got a bunch of auditions coming up this week and we start filming again on the show, "Tempting Joanna". Talk about answered prayers I was feeling a little like things were getting slow and then bam 3 auditions came up today and a go-see from one my agents. Yeehaw very happy about that. Acting is truly where my heart is and it is definitely a career that constantly tests my faith. I'm appreciative to have a love, acting that is, that puts me constantly in a place of having to have faith, to be in the moment and still have to plan to keep things in motion whilst releasing expectation! It's like a weird, wonderful, wild spiritual metaphysical way of living wrapped up in a career. I have no idea if that makes any sense but it is really a wonderful challenge and I obviously love it, shoot, you gotta in this business.

So I'm thinking about last year this time and I am so grateful for how my life has changed!! I can't begin to sing out how happy I am for where my life is and the very awesome people I have for friends, the work I'm getting, the auditions, I am so happy. What's really interesting is being happy or rather joyful even when having doubt's and wistful moments but choosing to see all the blessings. I know it may sound hokey but it's really where I am. It's really kinda neat to be in that head space. I think I'm gonna take myself to the movie's tomorrow after my run and yoga see if i can't undo all that good work with a vat of soda and a trough of popcorn. Honestly though if it takes two hands to lift up the soda haven't we gone too far!?! Not that I should talk I plan my meals around a movie day. You have to figure out how to reconcile a 1000 calories worth of soda and god only knows of popcorn. Alright I guess I'll have to run and do the elliptical tomorrow...oh wait and I'm going dancing tomorrow score! Excellent it's settled then. Sweet dreams, ciao.