Roots or Rooted?

An old friend remarked to me that I may constrain myself with the mention of being a born and bred New Yorker. It got me to thinking. I wonder if it constrains me or puts me in a box. I was under the impression that it took me out of one, rather gave me context rather than narrowed my vision or me. Growing up in New York meant to me that I didn't play in a 1/2 acre backyard but rather a very large one-central park and becuase I grew up on the upper west side I also had riverside park. To me it meant I had access to the world's finest art, opera's, plays, musicals all at an age where I didn't know enough to appreciate it but could soak it up. In a way that it became and was, is part of me. I had rather worldly parents my Mother from Haiti and well educated and my Father from Oklahoma also well educated, well traveled and had spent 3 years in the peace corps living in Tanzania.

I felt growing in New York that I was at the edge of something, a springing point, the end of a diving board where I could jump into anywhere in the world. I grew up with every kind of cuisine you could imagine and every color, language and sexual preference was to be seen around me. When I say I'm a born and raised New Yorker I'm saying I grew up in a melting pot and it melted with me and in me. As a little girl I had friends of every creed with parents that spoke a multitude of languages sometimes not including English. A good portion of my friends were bilingual essentially since birth. My first word was not in English. I love that I'm from here because wherever you go int the world they've heard of my town. They know where it is. I also love that although I can "do" a New Yawk accent, I don't speak with one. I attribute that to my parents varied upbringing and that they two both speak at least 2 languages fluently. Not that elsewhere in the world that's not common but in America? Less so .

The comment got me to thinking what did it mean to me that I was born here. I decided it meant to me I am citizen of the world and I have always thought so. Because that's just what I've always thought and what I've been exposed to. Yes because I traveled extensively as a child but also becuase I only had to go down to the bodega where the Arabs where offering to trade me from my father for 13 cows when I was 13. I still don't if they and my father were just teasing me, I think so because they were friends with my family. Or the Koreans who run the other bodega across the street to get an education in diversity. Or listen to the salsa music in the summer coming from the center island in the middle of Broadway. The music, the drums would waft up to my room as I sweat to death because air conditioning was not prevalent then. I guess when I say I'm a born and raised New Yorker I'm talking about all those experiences that you can't describe but are in your bones, in your soul. I would not want to have grown up anywhere else, not for a backyard, not for anything.

Innocence Lost

I had the misfortune this evening of wandering into my living room and seeing one cat sitting on my couch intently looking at the other. Now this in and of itself is not so much a problem but usually when one of them is doing this it means he or she is going to pounce on the other. That is something I really enjoy becuase I find it amusing when they spar. It seems to me they don't take it too seriously, at least later they don't, at the time they seem committed but it seems to end after the "match " is done. Now this time was peculiar because the intent felt different to me and much to my chagrin I was right. As I passed my coffee table I found my boy cat Oliver eating what I discovered to be a mouse. I was able to make this assertion because there was a tail but...not much else.

I was very displeased. For many reasons not the least of which was I had to be the one to get rid of it and unlike waterbug's which I can kill (not without very loud and unceremonious screaming), cover with something and then hope someone comes along to dispose of it for me. I cannot seem to dispose of them, it has something to do with an irrational deadly fear of them. Wait I take that back if you've ever seen one flying you'd not think it irrational. The fear might also have something to do with my mother on my first encounter in my own apartment with them, as I was trying to see if I could get my younger brother to come over and kill it for me, flippantly said " you'd better kill it they like hair"!!! Of which (hair that is) I've got loads and it's of the curly and big kind that screams get lost in me at little to small animals it does or so I imagine. Anyway, I had to take this mouse away from him, it was thankfully on a piece of cardboard so I was able to get it a without dying a little, i.e. touching it in anyway. I didn't cry or scream and for this I want to take note, for this is progress. But conversely, I am oddly calm which leads me to believe I am actually in shock and not yet dealing with it.

So why innocence lost you may ask? It just made me realize that one, there's the possibility of mice in my apartment, not a terribly pleasurable thought but also that this was not the first time. It means the time I found a tail only, a couple of years ago that the mouse probably didn't get away as I had hoped and never returned but rather that he didn't return but rather resided in another in my house i.e. in one of my cats. Yecch! And the time I came home and a very odd looking upchuck I found on my floor (when you have cats you get used to various hairball configurations etc) that I felt looked a little like it once had eyes and various organs, probably did. You see it's a little like what I imagine it feels like to a parent to realize your child who is very much an adult has sex. It's not so much that you're surprised but that you look at them differently. That's how I feel right now, my cat was supposed to be a creature that may play with a random mouse (that again I am unhappy to be reminded I may have more of, visitors I'm not pleased about but residents...that's another story) but not eat them. Perhaps my innocence is lost and not theirs . I can't pretend my cats are Grey furry little sweethearts but rather carnivore's of other furry grey things. Ugh. Things will never be the same, I will never be the same.

Video, Video's and the BBC

What you ask has one to do with the other? Well not very much except me. Over the weekend I was cast in a video for an alternative rock song. I play a soldier who misses her little girl that should be interesting. I'm excited to work with these people. Then today I went for a casting where they were looking for extremely hot sexy women. So as you can imagine the outfit I wore was radically different than the one I wore for the soldier video. It's one of the many things that's interesting about being in this business you can be an attorney one day, a jewel thief the next, the following you're portraying a serious role as a soldier missing her child and the next week wearing an oohh lala outfit and the only requirement is to smile and be hot! Anyway obviously I love it it's a little schizophrenic in that way and that suits me just fine.

So where does the BBC come into play? Well I got an email from a director I worked with telling me my picture is on the BBC in reference to his film "Butterfly Screams" I was in last fall, The link. The only problem with the article is that it's in Urdu which is fine if you speak Urdu but unfortunately I don't! Oh well I'm still really happy the film is getting press and me with it! It was a really great project to work on, the director, Mumtaz Hussain is an incredibly talented artist in many respects. I met some really awesome people. Anyway it's just good to see things moving around. I really like to be busy so I hope to have more to report in the upcoming couple of days. Till then Ciao!

Leave My Penis Alone!

Ok I used that title on purpose for a few reasons. Has anyone else besides me been getting a lot, I mean A LOT email targeted to increase your penis size, finally make your girl happy, add inches to your c*#k and other variations on the theme? It seems that someone or several people are very concerned with my penis size and while I'm thinking Aww, how sweet you care but...I'm a GIRL! A woman actually but either way you figure it there is no need to increase my nonexistent penis. In fact you could say I'm quite satisfied with it. If it is so tiny I can't find it than, well I guess that's a good thing what with me being all set with my vagina and all.

I mean sheesh I am literally getting between 15-20 emails of either increasing my penis size or investing in this stock or another, or herbal viagra or some other pharmaceuticals. I am really tired of it all. I went looking online for ways to stop it but then you have to hook up with some other group and I am wary of that. It was mildly amusing at first but it feels like there has been an influx and it seems specifically to be going thought my website email, alas what can I do? Now that would be something useful to get adverts for in my inbox. Anyway I'm hoping there'll be some mitigation in the swarm of increase your size emails, in the meanwhile I suppose I could give it some thought.

Freedom in Truth?

So I was watching the movie the Freedom writers and I was touched and inspired by the story. I think it's hard not to be. As I was watching, amongst a multitude of feelings and tears not just for the people in the story but for my own life, revelations and struggles. I realized one that I had not felt inspired in a long time and i started to write, to pour out my feelings (not here) and I wrote for a little while and went back to the behind the scenes features. I was mulling over this blog and how it started because I want to write, to express , myself, my views, my heart and my trials. What I realized though is that I have been holding them in for fear of hurting other peoples feelings, when the truth is I'm hurt. The thing I don't want to hurt becuase I've been hurt but I do want to express. I want to stop censoring myself so that other people can feel better when I may be holding back not only my voice but someone else who may recognize themselves in me and realize they have a right to their own.

I want to recount my trials in acting, being a writer and a human being who is consciously struggling to make choices that support what I want my life to be, my art and my heart. What I was realizing though is I haven't been here not for awhile I've been hiding and just struggling to stay afloat. Holding back my emotions and thoughts so that I could, yes process them but also so as not to rock the boat. The boat that I think I was under so how could I rock it? anyway I'm going to try to write more truthfully because quite frankly if I don't then why bother there's enough fluffy crap out there I don't have to add to it. But also I think when you speak the truth it resonates and I want my voice, tune to resonate somewhere even if it's only with me. o here is a pledge to keep revealing myself even if it's scary. Even if it means I have to write through the fear of rejection. I mean hell if I've got an issue with rejection I sure picked some tough careers! Anyway that's what I had to say. Be well.

Jittery Jumping Jacks

I may have to end my love affair with coffee. Yes it's true. I'm not saying I'm going to I just may have to. I had an audition today for a Law Firm Commercial and I had just had a cup of coffee, not a good idea. You're adrenaline is already pumping at one of these things and then to have your heart racing because of a beloved drink-not good. But it went well besides my getting jittery toward the end. So as always, learning. I had another audition later for an acting troupe and it turned out the director was looking at my resume and noted my degree was in Geology and he also has an degree in Geology! How is that for odd?!! I told him if nothing else I have a story. I'm always happy to be out there meeting people, networking etc. I have rehearsal almost every day this week. So yay! I love to work!

My father is leaving for Tanzania tomorrow morning so my life is going to be shifting to a more normal schedule. I'm going to miss him but it'll be good for me to have less distractions. I've had a reduction in my client base recently so I've decided to spend more time writing. So again more of a shift toward the life I wish to be leading. Although the bills must be paid. I'm sure the universe has something good in store for me. I'm ready for the next step. Okay I'm going to sign off. Ciao.

Long Live Vigo!

That was the name of the film I shot today. I played Vanessa Vigo a jewel thief. It was a lot of fun. It was filmed using green screen technology. The basic premise is that I am a jewel thief and my co-star and love interest is a cop and that spells problems. The director was very cool and he said he'll be writing something in the future with me in mind, which is awesome. It was a good day. I also got called in for an audition today and luckily I had time to go before getting to set. Tonight the Emmy's are on, so I always like it when I'm working on the day there is an award show that I intend to be attending some day soon. It was pretty straightforward and I was able to get home and spend a little time with my Dad. I also noticed that on Mandy's.com there is an ad for the web commercial , Get U Noticed I did last year. More exposure! I'm really happy about that. I've got 2 auditions tomorrow and I am pretty exhausted. So I'll check back in tomorrow till then Ciao.